I lost someone. I lost someone and I don't know how to find him. I lost someone and I don't know how I'm supposed to live without him. I lost someone and I don't know how I can just move on.
It feels like it has been forever but it was just two weeks ago. It was on a monday. We were in class when we heard about an accident. The bell rang and we ran out of class. It was raining. I remember trying to calm everyone down cause everything was fine for sure. Then I saw the police and the ambulances. I saw his best friends crying and yelling and everything stopped. I cried. I yelled. Just like everyone else. I didn't know what had happened, at least I didn't believe it had happened. I was soaking wet and the teachers made us go back to school. I have no words to describe what was the after. Honestly I had never seen my school so dark. Teachers didn't know what to do to calm us down. It was caos.
The tuesday after wasn't much better. The moment I entered the hallway, it was like a cloud of sadness surrounded me all over again. The day was so long. I think we paid a nice tribute. The church was full of people. I really hope he liked it.
Talking about him is so easy. He was the best. He was the best friend anyone could ask for. He was so smart and so funny. He had such a gorgeous smile. Literally, his smile lighted up the room. He would have had the best life. So why? Why him? Why now? These are questions that will never have an answer that is good enough.

Now we are supposed to move on. I know he would have wanted to see me laugh because he always tried to make me laugh. And so I laugh. But move on? How can I move on and not feel bad about moving on? If I remember, it hurts. But if I forget, it feels like I'm forgetting him. And that will never happen. I lost someone. I will forever miss him.
I'm talking to no one here so I might as well talk to you. That tuesday in church I promised you something and I intend to keep that promise forever. I promised you I would always try to smile. I promised I wouldn't remember you as a sad memory. I promised I would live like you lived, "no chill".
When you lose someone, you feel like the world is ending. You feel like you can't breathe and your heart hurts. You feel like you can't carry on. You feel angry, sad, frustrated. You feel stupid and you can't stop crying. When you lose someone, a part of your soul is lost with them. When you lose someone, you don't know how you're supposed to move on. You don't even want to move on. You want to stay exactly where you are because just a little step foward seems like betrayal and you can't take any steps back. Oh but if you could... If you could take any steps back... I would stop that boy from ever getting on a bike. But you can't and I surely can't. And you also can't stay in the same place so you have to move foward. It will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But you'll have to do it. When you lose someone, you have to move on. For you and for them.
My friend was the best. I know God wants the best close to him. That's the best answer for the "why him" question I have. My friend didn't believe in Heaven. I do. Maybe because it's easier imagining him there, maybe because I'm catholic and I have heard a lot about heaven. He didn't believe in the after life. I do. I believe he is now the brightest star there is. I believe he's watching me so I will try my best to make him proud. That's what we have to do.
When you lose someone, you have to live for you and for them. When you lose someone, they will stay forever in your heart.