If you did'nt read the last article I wrote here's the link so that you understand what I'm Talking about.

So here we are, a week after I wrote about Pierre, whom I thought was my boyfriend, maybe still is, maybe never were...

LIke I said last time, I decided to ask him what he thought about our relationship. In a way, I'm glad I took my courage in both hands and did it, but at the same time, I wish I didn't say anything, but I know I did the right thing.

On monday, he came home after his classes of the afternoon, he arrived at 7:30pm, I had already start cooking. Everything went well like every time.
We ate, then we talked a lot, one more time he tried to play with my guitar and failed in the cutest way...
After talking, playing, feeling good with each other, we finnaly had sex... like every time...
I waited to the last moment before we decided to sleep to ask my question, because I knew that it would change evrything.
I was right to ask myself questions about the fact that he didn't really showed any affection signs.

beauty, girl, and nice image

"Hey...How do you feel about us, is it going well for you?"
"And you what do you think about it?"
"That's not an answer..."
"You're right, sorry.... Well to be completely honest, Everything is going well, I mean we are good together, I like you, we talk a lot, we laught a lot, you are beautiful, you're intelligent, super interesting, funny... but I feel like I can't give you affection and I know it's not right... I have no idea why and if it can change or not, it's just that I don't feel the need to be affective with you"

quotes, eyes, and feelings image

I almost started crying from that moment. I knew it, I knew something was going on.
He told me that he didn't want to hurt me and that if I was way more attached to him than he was, we should stop right now. But I told him that yes I was attached but it was cool, I'm not in love or anything.
He told me that after ten month feeling exactly the same with his ex, she told him she loved him, so they broke up because he knew he could not fall iin love with her. I'm glad that wasn't me... ten month... So he doesn't want to make the same mistake again, and I understand him.
So I asked him if he thought that it could change, because we've only been together for 3 weeks, but he didn't know.

I feel like something is blocking him, preventing him from falling in love, preventing him from having feelings. I mean everything is cool between us, I don't know how he can not feel the need to be affective.
When I told him that during sex, he was affective, that everything was fine, asking why sex is ok, he said that he liked me. So I ask "So it's just about my looks, that's why we can have sex?" and he replied "no it's not just your looks...". He did not know what to answer...
"So I'm just a friend to you ?"
"I don't sleep with my friends"
So I'm not a friend but I can't be his girlfriend either...

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I cried a lot, I told him that the only person who could make me feel better was him, but that it was apparently the exact same person who could not do anything...
We were laying face to face in my bed, he was shirtless. He took my head with one hand an placed it against his chest and then he gentlt carresed my hair for a while...

At that moment I felt so good, I didn't know if he was forcing himself to do it because I was sad or if it was really spontaneous, because if it was, if he's capable of doing this how can he not have feelings...

He also looked into my eyes for a while... I didn't know what to say or what to do, I was completely lost... Finnaly, we decided to sleep.

love, couple, and hug image

When I woke up the next morning I had to go to the hospital where we are working as externs. I always leave before him and leave him the keys because I have to be there before him.
So I woke up, I got dressed and 15 min before I had to go I went and sat next to him on my bed, he was starting to wake up.

Just looking into his eyes made me cry, he did'nt realize it at first.
He asked " Marie, You're crying?"
I looked at him and said "Yes I'm crying"
He said "Why?"
"Because I'm sad"
He told me " Think about positive stuff ok?"

I stayed there looking at him, him looking at him, trying not to cry.
"Can I have a hug?"
"Of course"
So He huged me for like 5 min, and then I had to go. He gently carresed my leg to make me feel better... not the kind of thing you do to a friend.or someone you want to break up with.

love, quotes, and heartbeat image

I left my appartment not knowing if we were still together, if we ever were... I have no idea of what we are.
When we saw each other at the hospital, he gave me my keys back, asked me what I was doing this morning... typical stuff...We laught a little ...

At lunch I talked with one of our close friend, Nadir. He knows me really well now and he also knows Pierre quite well.
He told me to not be depressed because everything could change, that he is just afraid to have feelings, to get hurt maybe. I mean it's his point of view, that's not what Pierre said to him. He also thinks that I should give him time to see what he wants and stop asking him out and let him come to me... I knew It was the right thing to do.

The same day, at 10pm, when I got back home from sport, I received a text from him... I kew he woud do something like that.
"So how was sport tonight ?"
"well kinda hard after a week of break"
"Just a one week break makes it difficult ? :o"
" Yeah well I wasn't in perfect form today"
"Yeah I know that, plus you didn't sleep that much right?
"Yeah no I didn't spleep a lot...What do you want to do?"
He knew I was talking about us

"I did not really have time to think about it properly today, I got to give it time to think about. To know what's the best thing to do, the best solution for you and I"

Then I explained him that I think that something is blocking him from having feelings, that i thought he was just scared, that he needed to trust me, that it could be ok, that I was scared he did not find anyone to be with in his life if he is acting like that, that something is just not normal about the way he acts because sometimes he does things that someone who has feelings would do.

"Honestly I have no idea I really need to think about it, I don't agree with everything you just said"
"What don't you agree with"
"I'll tell you tomorow, I'm so tired right now"
It was 0:30.
"OK then, take you time to think about it ok? have a good night"
"Yes, thank you, kisses"
"kisses"
(that kisses thing is something we do a lot in France when we say goodbye to people)

So I went to spleep not knowing anything more than before.

quotes, girl, and aesthetic image

The next day he also came and texted me about my day, about his day... I did not bring the subject up, he didn't either...
The next day we saw each other at the hospital. At lunch he kinda just ignored me but I saw him looking at me a few times...
At the end of the day, when evryone was leaving, I stayed with some friends because Thursday night is Bar night. I thougth Pierre would be coming too.
So I was just with some friends, waiting for the others. We were in what we call "a box" it's our work place since we are dentist sudents, so it has a dentist chair, and I was laying on it when Pierre walked in the corridor and saw me laying there with me phone.
He laught at me and entered the next box. I could still see him throught the window because his computer was just in front of me on the other side of the wall.
He was on the phone, just in front of me and kept lokking at me sometimes. I acted like I ddin't care.

Later on I went in the corridor and we was coming back in his box. I told him there was spider on his door since 2pm (there really was a big spider). He laught and killed it. As I was leaving to go check on my friend Juliette I was about 10m away from him (there was no one around, the service was kinda empty at this hour), he asked "How is David going?" He was talking about that other student that was kinda depressed those days because of the hospital, anyway, a way to start a conversation...
So I came back and talked about it a little bit with him, then a teacher came and she also talked about that student with us.
I'm sure she could see that Pierre and I were not just friends...
Then when she walked away I asked Pierre if he was comming to the Bar, he was not because he was going to his bestfriend place.
I said "Ok have fun then !"
As I was leaving he asked "And you're going ?"
Stupid question of course I'm going.
"Of course like every thursday"
That's the last time I saw him.

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Then when I arrived at the bar with my friend we realized the others were not there so we decided to go and eat pizzas at my place, we were just 4, that was cool.
When everyone leaved, around 11pm, I realized Pierre did not texted me like every night so I asked
"Hey so that was cool with your friends?"
He replied at 00:30
"yeah that was cool we ate pizzas with beers"
We texted a litlle then I fell asleep. Still nothing about us...

So on friday we also texted and we are today too but still not a word about us, about the situation, I don't know what we are, how he feels, he keeps talking to me but I have no idea what's happenning.

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But I'm in love with him, that's to late. But I can't ask him because I know I need to relax and give him time. But I'm going crazy anytime he is connected and did not open my message... I need him, but I can't tell him.
It's the worst feeling in the world, not knowing.
I realized I loved Him when he explained how he thinks you feel when you're in love. I was supposed to know what it's like, supposed to have been in love before.
But I realized that I've never felt the way I feel about him. I Do think about him all the time, I do want to be with him all the time, I do want to talk with him all the time, I do love him that's right.
I think that he doesn't realized how I feel, I explained that I'm too emotive and that's why I cried a lot so maybe he doesn not know how I really feel, and that's better like that.

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But when I looked at him that morning on Tuesday, when I sat next to him when he was just awakening, with his tired eyes, and I coudn't think of any flaw he could have. Everything feels so perfect about him. He was almost still spleeping but he looked so great, so cute.
When he smiled at me I could not help myself but crying, he didn't know what to do, he didn't wanted me to cry, he tried to make me smile, he did but I was crying and smiling at the same time. He gently put his hand on my knee and everything felt right and wrong at the same time. Maybe that was the end of what could have been the most wonderful relationship of my life or either the start of something great if only he could realize how he feels about me instead of being afraid and not admit it.

Image by ✧・゚:Cruella:・゚✧

So here's for the update, I'll try to tell you guys more in a few days

xx