I know that I love her, I know that she will be the one who will pull me out of my misery. She brings me so much happiness, but yet I feel like it's not enough; not that she isn't doing her best, not that every time she holds my hand, I feel a safety net around me. Just every time when I am deep in thoughts, I get so frustrated with myself that I feel sad for no reason, I have the urge to cry, the urge to just punch the wall so hard for myself to feel something. When I'm alone, it's like all those thoughts just consume my wellbeing, like all my happiness and joy from a minute ago just disappeared. Is something wrong with me? Why can't I ever just appreciate what I have and become, then just walk away?
I don't want to bother her with my worries, nobody should have the time to just listen to me talking nonsense. I'm already in the running circles in the dark, with my heart slowly deteriorating through the rotten truth. I used to be so strong, I just want to go back. She is no good for me because I can't bring her what she needs. One day, maybe she will realise how negative I am all of the sudden and walk away just like everyone else. My heart knows that she will be the one that proves that I am worth it, with the contents of the future waiting for me. But why do I feel this emptiness within me? I don't understand what is going on with me. I can't help but fall for her, bits by bits more day by day. I get so sentimental over such small things.
It's just like drinking. Sometimes, drinking brings me that momentarily happiness and getaway, but sometimes it crashes all the thoughts to me all at once. Sometimes, I smoke to get the relaxation from the vigorous events happening around me, but it also brings me the waves of uneasiness that I'm not doing okay. How hard can it be just to be free? I just want to be normal, neutral, have little feelings about everything. Invest smaller amounts of emotions, in order not to get hit by a big splash of disappointment.
I just want to do my best to bring her the best experience she can get. The best memories whilst my mindset is still here until I slowly disappear from this world. She is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me, reminding me that there is always someone there for me, caressing me when I feel so out of touch with reality, believing in me whilst nobody is. I am forever in debt with her and everything she has taught me. I truly hope that someone can bring her, take her to the wonderful depths of the world. Just like I would have.