Dear Boy I love,
It hurts me how you can't see the love I have for you. It hurts to see you treat everybody different from me. What makes me different? Do I appear rude? Is it because I don't talk a lot? What makes her different from me? I see the way you talk to her. The excitement that appears on your face when she laughs at literally nothing. I saw your eyes when you spoke to the class, "Who wants to be my lab partner?" and she didn't respond, I did. Sure, there have been some nice moments between us, I remember them all. How I spent 5 minutes teaching you how to pronounce my last name, and when I did your homework for you and your first words were "wow, my handwriting got so pretty." Then there are the worst moments. When I gave you a handwritten note attached to your pencil and you threw it out because you didn't think it was for you. When we worked on the lab together but you kept walking away from me to talk with your friends, more specifically, the girl who sits on the opposite side of you as I do.

Today when you talked to her, my eyes watered because I wondered if you would ever talk to me like that. You asked if she finished her homework and when she said no, you offered to send her the answers. You put your number in her phone and took a selfie for the profile picture. You created your own emoji of yourself and saved it on her phone. You asked her to send a selfie for her profile on your phone. You never did that to me. When I got your phone number, you didn't really care.

Have we ever talked about anything other than school? No. I ask you for biology help and you ask me for biology help, that's really it. Sure, sometimes we will talk about the random games you play on your phone or what's bothering you. But will we ever have a full on conversation? Sometimes I just want to text you, even if it's a simple "hey" or "wyd" but I can't because I'm scared. I'm scared that because we don't talk in person that much, it'll be awkward over text. I'm such a shy and socially awkward person, talking to anyone creates fear in me, it only gets worse when I talk to you. I stutter and my words come out slurred, I get so embarrassed when you ask me to repeat myself because you don't understand.

I just want to tell you how pretty your eyes are. They're dark green, like a pine tree, I want to stare into them for hours. And don't get me started on your hair, while most people make fun off your haircut, I love the color. It's blond but also brown. Remember when you asked me about why your hair was like that? Of course, I didn't have an answer. So you asked her. But I don't want to talk about her anymore, I want to talk about you. Your hands, they're so pretty. I just noticed it today while you were working the microscope. Oh, how I want to hold them. I remember how a few days ago, our arms laid against each other for about a minute, I don't know if you even noticed. Even though we were both wearing sweatshirts and couldn't feel each other's skin, I felt so warm and comforted. Sparks went off inside me, I never wanted to move away from you.

I love your last name, it's so pretty. It's the name of a clothing brand, so you always wear those clothes with the name on it so you can say it's your name. Whenever someone wears that brand or I see an ad for it online, I instantly think of you.

Sometimes I wonder how it would feel for you to love me as much as I love you. I think about how your lips would feel against mine, how your hand would feel wrapped around mine. I think about the pictures we would post online, the dates we would go on, the conversations we would have, what your friends would think.

There are times I see you during lunch, actually, I see you every day at lunch. I had my friends move lunch tables so I could be closer to you, they don't know that's the reason of course. I always make sure to sit where I get a clear view of you. I love watching you laugh and talk with your friends. I'll walk by you to try to get your attention, does it work? Does your mind think "oh it's Emily." What goes through your mind when you see me? This would be a great time to suddenly get the power to read minds. I just want to know what you think of me. Do you treat me differently because you like me? Or is it the opposite?

I could talk about you for hours. Your laugh, your humor, how smart you are, but I won't. Because it won't matter in the end, because I probably never even cross your mind.

The girl who you sit next to in biology