Since a young child I had already lost direction. I did not know what to become later. I had no dreams. And having no dreams is like having your wings ripped off.

Did I just say wings? Yeah, in a environment where having dreams meant flying too high like Icarus. So I have never thought about doing something great for myself. Because dreaming is a little bit too much. Having my wings ripped off is a little bit like having no confidence in myself. So that is by the way a big struggle too.

In the next years I have wandered throughmy life, as a smart child, serious and shy at times. I did not talk much. I was silent because I had nothing to say, because I did not know what to say. The first choices began at the age of 11 which is early. I had to choose a field of study, like Latin, sciences or economics? Did I want to study arts? Nah, that one was not an option for sure.

I chose modern sciences, because that would make my parents happy. You see, I just always wanted to make my parents smile, and absolutely not disappoint them. I then lost interest in studying, started studying languages.

And after that the time flew by and I turned 18 graduated from secondary school, secretary languages degree. So I guess I should study something with languages now? - I puzzled. That's what happened, I tried studying business, translating and interpreting. I gave up, it was not my speciality.

I stopped, searched for something that had more likely to do with business. I went through a fase where I was obsessed with people being entrepreneurs. Well, I guess I caught up into the idea having my own business. Which meant I was choosing for Marketing studies. I just found out that I could have dreams but did not develop my wings for that.

At the end I just fooled myself, I completely lost myself in the time and space and the dreams that are not what my family expects me to dream, feel and want.

I clearly lost myself. I still lost myself. I am still looking for myself. I am searching for my purpose in life. But I feel like I am in a cave, every opportunity is closing away from me. Far out of reach. Like I am still losing options on what to become.

I started studying again something different, I wish this was a joke. I had no choice again. I wanted to please my family again. This looks like a cycle where it's time to break out from. I cannot go like this for eternity.

Now I am a blogger with no sense of direction. Everything is chaos because I have no money, actually we are all broke here haha. I am saving all my money to finally invest in a future where I am going to do what I like. Which will make me confident enough to go independently through life. This is what is important as an adult. To be confident and independent. Especially as a woman. Because nobody will support a woman with dreams and ambitions.

It all seems easy at the end. I just need to believe in myself, future. I just need to trust myself and others. I just need to think of/for myself. At the end it's myself I am going to wear everyday to work. It is not my parents or my friends. It all starts at the core within myself. The source of knowledge and talents which are still kept inside of me.

I want to be wedding planner, I want to be graphic designer and manage these two jobs. I still ask myself questions if I can do this. If I will succeed in life. If I would land on the streets one day. That is what I am worried about

Get it over with. That is what people with confidence would've done. That is what I should do, just do it. Life is full of surprises and I hope I could get a taste of that surprise as well.

I guess I came to the conclusion that I will quit again, and break from a cycle of light suffering under pressure to please others. Start a full new path and I will get where I want to be. I just need a coat of self confidence, trust and belief. At the end this has been a process of getting to know myself better. Understanding what I really need in this life.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for reading this super long ass article on how I messed up my life and how I will ditch the mess, have a clear look on my life, in this world with new grown wings to fly away with. A second Icarus-tragedy has not been written (yet).