I struggle to say goodbye to the things that matter most to me, even though I SAY that I'm not impressed with nor dependent upon "stuff". What I battle over losing.....for me they aren't "things"..... they are representations of the memories I attach to them about recent good times and happy experiences. Those newer - and maybe even insignificant - occurrences tend to hold more value for me, because they are something positive or meaningful that I was part of creating. Finally.......something that I picked or we earned together..... a choice which paid off and meant a lot to me....and suddenly that "thing" represents growth and a shift in a positive direction.

I don't have that from before.
I didn't know how to make good memories.
There were so few times in my life of feeling secure and happy that these more recent small moments take priority.....and thus it is very painful to let them go.

Imagine if during your life someone always provided something extravagant for you, such as a luxury car, but one that came with strings and limitations. Maybe it was nice to have but there was always that underlying theme of deceit or fake values or manipulation. Over time maybe you came to realize that the reward wasn't worth how you felt about yourself, or the gift eventually served only to underscore the emptiness that echoed.

And then one day you learned you could still - even after much sadness and trauma - be happy with the choices made now; find joy in the memories and decisions of the present. Not because someone plopped a gift in front of you, but because these were YOUR happy times made with someone special. The feelings of safety and accomplishment that rise out of such events were new emotions and uplifting times; reaffirming a decision that we made together, for us. Now, those actions mean so much more because of how they came to be, but with increased meaning comes difficulty in letting go, something i now struggle with.

It's hard to move on from some of the only happy times in my life; painful to let go of the few good choices or decisions I was able to be a part of. I feel like I'm breaking a little each time, and the sense of loss grows and cuts more deeply than it should.

I mourn each time I have to say goodbye, not perhaps because an ending is that significant, maybe, but because it represents a death of the only good times of my life I've had a part in being able to create. The moments or things might be small but to me they speak volumes and are much more painful to release.

I hate letting go...but I know that you cannot move forward unless you learn to accept and change and adapt.....