I, like most people, tend to do stupid shit when I'm drunk, but I guess I should start this story from the very beginning.
If you have read some of my past articles you may have noticed that a boy named Alex broke my heart, that I'm a vegetarian trying to be vegan, that I love Narnia, and that whenever something in my life is wrong I write it down.
So, yeah, I've had a complicated life, I mean, it's not the worst, but the majority of time I feel really alone.
My mom and I used to be really close, but one day she got a boyfriend and she abandoned me to be with him. Now that I think about it, it's not that big of a deal, but for a fourteen year old girl who relied on her mother completely, being pushed aside and left alone for three months was kind of the worst. So, in that time I was alone I relied on Alex completely, which turned out to be the worst decision I had ever made. Alex betrayed me and left me really screwed up and I kinda promised myself that I would never ever let anyone treat me the way he did ever again.
I entered a new school, got some friends and I was happy. I went to Italy for the summer of 2017 and got more friends and I had never been as happy as I was there, but then I returned to Mexico and I mean, it was good, but still I wanted to feel alive like in Italy so I did everything I could to come to Germany for a semester. I achieved my goal and now I am here and I only have a month left.
I came here mostly because I was running away from my sadness and my problems and I guess it wasn't the best idea.
I got some friends here and I really thought that everything was okay, but before I knew they were treating me like shit and I was in love with a girl who also treated me like shit and I felt like everything was starting all over again, just like with Alex, but I couldn't find the strength within me to leave that toxicity.
Last Wednesday it was Halloween and it was also one of my friends birthday. We had gone to the BMW museum and my group of friends got tickets to go to Amsterdam and they didn't invite me and I was just so hurt, but I tried to act normal and to tell myself that it wasn't that big of a deal but I couldn't stop asking myself what the hell had I done wrong for them not to care about me anymore, and this girl I like who is also part of my group was treating me like shit and I honestly felt like shit, but then we went to a fancy dinner for my friend's birthday and i felt like things would be good again and this girl was speaking to me again and all was good, then we went out clubbing and I got drunk and I screwed everything up.
I told her I liked her, she said she didn't and then my group exiled me.
I was just so tired and sad of all of them treating me like I was worth nothing and my messed up brain thought that if she knew how I felt things would change, but now everything's worse.
The next day I couldn't leave my house because I was just so sad and depressed and embarrassed, but I knew that I had to explain myself and I told her that I needed to speak with her, but I couldn't built up the courage to do it and one of my teachers told me that I should wait until I was better with myself, so I didn't talk to her and I asked one of my friends if I could go to Athens with them and he just ignored me and God, Friday was not the best day. On Saturday they all went to Stuttgart and they didn't invite me and now is Sunday and I truly feel like shit. I feel like no one will ever love me, and what gets me the most is that I could've walked away before it was too late but I was weak and now I am so disappointed in me and God, I just want to die. They made me love them first, that's the thing. I was fine and I could've been fine all by myself here, but they made me love them, because at first they were great, they were the best, they made me feel so good and then I don't know what the hell happened but they made me feel like shit and it's too late now because I am so broken hearted, not just because of my crush, but because of everyone and I swore to myself that I would never end up like this again and now I am here again and I just feel useless and stupid and embarrassed and God, I don't know what to do, so, if you're reading this and you have some advice, I would love to hear it and thanks for reading and I know I'm gonna be fine someday but right now I am desperate to talk to someone, that's why I wrote this depressive af article and I am sorry if it's not what you expected.