I hate the in-betweens.

I hate starting a new thing with someone to wait months to not even date. I hate putting time and effort into someone who doesn't ever plan to call me girlfriend. I hate staying up late wondering if they even like me anyway. I hate getting excited and telling my friends just to have things fall apart again, and I especially hate they way they ask about the guy for months to come afterwards. I hate crying because it frustrates me so much. I hate being taken advantage of. I hate showing any vulnerability. I fucking hate calling someone my guy or my boy or "the boy I'm talking to" or any of the other stupid fucking names when I could just call him my boyfriend.

I'm so fucking exhausted after doing this for the past three years. Everyone wants to talk to me, see me, take me on dates, have me meet a few of their friends, but no one ever wants to call me their girlfriend. As my friends get into new relationships, I'm stuck in limbo.

And I feel used. I get to be the pretty girl on their arms at dinners and parties. I get to be their easy lay. I get to be the person they put all their shit on when life gets heavy, but the only thing I want, this dumb little title, that saves me so much grief and anxiety and confusion, I NEVER get to hold. It's like being a bridesmaid a thousand times but never a bride. I feel isolated. I feel silenced by the fear of them leaving, because having a sorta-boyfriend in a sorta-relationship is better than having nothing, right?