"School . OH you , I got few things to tell you , take a seat and don't dare to interrupt me . "
School take a seat and remains silent.
" I know you since my childhood , let me count I am seventeen and I met you at the age of three that makes FIFTEEN YEARS . Woaa .
Well at first it was fun , you were kindergarten and the kids you let in were pretty cool too , primary school as well . But something change at the very beginning of primary school , I was no longer me but a number , a robot who had to get the best grade because you created the concept of the first of the class , the second of the class, etc ... Do you know how hard it was ? Well , it was pretty fun to me because I was the first most of the time but I had to compete with some of my friends and sometimes they won which completly made me feel like crap . Another thing , it's not really your fault but still , you forced me to introduce myself to strangers . Oh , yes , you can laugh , I know what you are about to say "But is because of me that you met some of your best friends" I know , but everyone is not your friends especially if you are a chubby black girl . Because of you I was the victim of racism , it hurt me and it still does .
Some days I didn't want to go back to you because I was afraid that it'll hurt me more than average , I cried in the playground, the bathroom ... sometimes I wasn't hiding at all . But you were still there doing nothing to stop it except saying "It's not nice to say that" like if they didn't know . When I was done with elementary school I thought things would change . Lol. It was worse , now you included the concept of "drama" which often led to "fights" . Everyday I asked myself when that drama from two months ago will stop can't they fight already , oh wait they already did . You were pretty boring but fun , I discovered the chor, theater and few subjects I absolutely loved , it was also pretty easy to get the grades . I didn't have to do too much . What a nice memory huh . All I could blame you on is the immaturity of the people you let in .
Now that's real real talk . HIGH SCHOOL . wOAA . fIRST I wasn't prepared at all . I dreamt about high school musical hall and things like partying , grown people , really cool teachers ... On the first day , that was a slap you gave me . It was the opposite . The grades were way too hard to get , the people were so so so so immature , I didn't enjoy the first year at all . The second was something else , a better class , more minded classmates . But you introduced a friend of yours "Stress" I better talk to her someday .
Whatever , I might punch her in the face , all year she did everything in her will to destroy me . I , for the first time , had depression . It was though , I felt like nothing mattered . Getting up , going to school , back home , babysitting , homework which I won't do because I know I'll fail or I'll do it but never give back because I'll think it's not good enough . Yes I am a perfectionnist and always was. But because of you ,I developed a self destructive behavior to not give back my homework because I am afraid of the grades . And I am serious , I'll have panic attack in the morning , few days befor my paper is due or even before to go to sleep .
How many times I cried because I felt like my future depended on that very paper and if I fail my future will as well ? That entire year I felt like a zombie, a body with no soul . If you wanted to kill me well you succeed . I am almost done with you , my senior year has started . The depression went away with a path to recovery during holidays but I am scared it'll come back . Stress is back as the destructive behavior . Despite the pressure you put on me to get my diploma I want to live , not be a zombie or robot . I want to achieve some of my personal goals without thinking about you . I don't want depression to come back ,it is way too scary , it's like the upside down in Stranger Things : It's the same world but all dark and difficult to breathe in .
I am trying to get the grades , you know it's hard to tell yourself you are bad at something you've been good at for years . I am trying to accept it , so I can move forward . I also made my mind up . You are not the issue to my life , I can have a bright future even if I don't have the best grade at every test , even if I don't have the best grade at my diploma , even if I stop to go back to you .
There's a million ways to get to achieve dreams . You are one of them and the most common. I don't want to cry because I am not reaching your expectations of the good student . For now , I'll be happy if I finish the year without a depression and the average mark at diploma , I'll still try to do my best but I don't want you and Stress to disturb me . We'll see each other on Monday , okay ? "

School : *snoring*
Me : "OH REALLY ! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY "
.........................................................................................................................................
Thank you to have read that loooong monologue , I hope you liked it . These are just few things I had to get out of my chest about my experience at school .
Is school also a challenge to you ? Tell me , I'll be glad to hear about your story .

Related post :

Latest post :