I vowed to myself that I will never disrupt her reputation, her motivation, her morals. But I did... Being with her simply brought her trouble and misunderstandings from the real world. Now, it's my fault and I have to fix it. How can I? How can I deny to the world that I don't like her like that, how can I ever look at her face and tell her that the world knows about our secret, how can I ever face the truth that maybe I will never get her? The world is cruel and judgemental, especially at my age, people tend to be a bit immature, which leads to many rumors spreading due to boredom or pettiness. I don't want to ruin her.
She is my light, my beacon towards the positivity, my guide to show me how life is truly magical and worthy. Yet, time seems to be a fool. Why can't I love her after a few years later, when everything would be stable, with no worries about our future, no worries about what people think, no worries about expectations from the society? I want to be there for her, protect her with everything I have. I am the poised rose, so lovely but deadly when you touch it. Might not be the prettiest flower, but admired by many, no matter what circumstances it brings. I want her to live a good life, people acknowledging her beauty, realizing how she is the brightest and the kindest person they will ever meet. But I ruined her.
Perhaps, it's not meant to be. Perhaps it is a challenge for me. What can I convey to the depths of my heart without breaking it? What can I do to show her my love without being too close to her? I am chaos itself. Never destined to end with happiness and joy, never worth to be given effort with, never should be the person with. I never wanted to ruin her.
I have sworn to myself, I will brighten up the days, I will use my angst to support the ones I love. Whatever life brings, I will accept it or fight back, forgive or repent. So should you.