Okay, so it didn’t turn out fine. It never does. I mean, it’s still not the end, I guess, but I decided I was going to stop for my own worth. I mean, I really like this person and that should be the only thing that matters, but by now I gotta face the fact that she does not like me back. I was confused in the first place because of her, but whatever, it’s never too late to learn to walk away out of these situations.
I remember, our first weekend here, when we were playing that game of truth or dare back in our house and Noriega asked her something and she was so nervous but still she gave me the coin, I seriously thought that she liked me, or was even attracted to me, and I really liked that feeling but then I fell in love with Carlos and later on with Raul and I guess I didn’t give too much thought into that. Until the first Monday of the Oktoberfest, I got so drunk and I was so envious because of Elena and Raul and then when we got out that we were all hugged and when we went back to our house and she had her arm wrapped around my waist and I liked that. And again the day when we were drinking beer with Claudio and we returned to the house and she was the whole ride in the bus with her arm around me and when we stepped out of the bus and she said something about running into a car or something and she hugged me, and then later on in the kitchen when she ordered me to pour her some juice and I refused and she hugged me tight again and then we went to her room, to her bed and she wrapped her arms around me and told me she was going to squeeze me. It felt good. And I didn’t want to admit it because she is a woman and I am a woman and I guess I refused to feel like that, but well, the first step into moving on is accepting whatever’s been bothering you.
Then was that Tuesday night at the Oktoberfest when we were both drunk and she started acting weird and she hugged me and hold my hand and she tried to kiss me. I was so confused the next day, but I seriously liked her, I think that was the start of it all. And then the Saturday after that, when she also tried to kiss me (I guess) and last Thursday, when she hugged me again and hold my hand again.
I seriously like her, even now, but the reason I am writing this and deciding to move on it’s because I don’t think she likes me. I mean, there’s obviously something there, but by now I think it’s just sexual tension or something I guess, and I feel like she’s fighting it, so I am not going to dive right into her and fall in love again with someone who just won’t feel the same about me.
It’s not her fault, it’s not anyone’s fault. I feel things, that’s true, sometimes I feel like I feel emotions more powerfully than the rest, which is good because I enjoy the little things, but still it’s not that good because when I’m sad or angry I can barely hold myself together and it’s really easy for people to hurt me, even if they don’t mean to. I’m not angry, I’m just hurt because I really thought she liked me, and even if I was not willing to try being a lesbian for her, I didn’t think it would end so quickly.
She does not like me, that’s the raw truth, and even if she did, this is the shittiest way of treating a person, so I shouldn’t let her. Besides liking her in a romantic way, she’s great, she’s one of the greatest people I’ve ever met and these past few weeks, things have been a bit awkward between us, I guess because the other stuff that’s happened between us, so I should let that go and allow us to be friends again, but still, she has to commit in whatever is going to happen. So I really hope (still) that something happens between us this weekend, maybe that she speaks to me about this or that she speaks to me at all. But whatever, I guess I shouldn’t rely on people this easily, but I guess this is who I am. So now I finally decided that I’m going to let this go, even though I don’t want to, because I don’t deserve to feel like shit.
I'm actually really sad about this because I really really really like her and it's even more shocking for me because I had never ever ever felt like this for a woman before. I questioned my entire existence for a person that does not give a damn about me.
And I miss her so much, because we don't speak that often anymore unless we're with the group and when we're not alone she's usually mean an I know she's not like that and I don't know what did I do wrong for her to treat me like this. I have two theories: my romantic and naive heart is trying to believe that she maybe likes me back, but since I was straight when she met me and I like men in general, she doesn't know what is happening and is getting away for her not to get hurt. Now, my rational brain is telling me to not be stupid and that she does not like me, that she noticed that I was falling in love with her and she does not want to hurt me, so she's getting away. Either way, I miss her so much and I don't know what to do, but I hope in the end everything turns out fine, for better or worse and that my depression passes and I can enjoy life again.