hey friends!

i haven't exactly been active (what am i talking about i literally haven't been active) and that sucks. i really like this platform, and i haven't been using it like i want to. i know i'm probably going to disappear again for a month or so again, but i wanted to make a new little "series" on here.
even though i don't use weheartit much, i whenever i get on here, it's always so late? i don't necessarily know what that says about me, but that's that, i guess! anyway, i wanted to start this, sort of, blog style series; mainly just for me, i have to admit. i'm the kind of person that usually has to write out what they're thinking to actually comprehend what's going on inside their brains. so, i thought i could use "staying up late is more fun" as a journal / therapy / blog, and maybe it'll help a bit? and along the way, maybe others will enjoy my thought process?? i doubt it.

*disclaimer : if you don't like long, written things about nothing and everything all at once, i wouldn't really recommend this series. as i said, this is more for me, more than anything. literally as i'm writing this i'm not entertained. but maybe you'll enjoy some of my music articles i write sometimes! (more on that if you keep reading ;)) also! it's one in the morning! my three brain cells can only work so hard, so if there's mistakes or things that don't make sense, i'm sure you'll understand.

wow okay this is already long and we haven't even begun.
here we go :

we're just gonna dive right in, shall we? (trigger warning maybe? mental health things)

when i was writing the introduction to this, and even right now, i'm kinda foggy in the brain. and i think it's worse because it's one am, but i've been feeling this a lot recently, although it was getting better for a while. i don't necessarily like to think i have derealization, or depersonalization, (because who would like to think that?) but i've been feeling it a lot. my brain is just constantly a big cloud, and it's like i can't hear my thoughts. i don't have a racing brain like i used to, which i guess might be a good thing, but now i just feel so empty and spaced out. it's like all my head is made out of is surface level stuff, like 'what's for lunch' or 'that girl's hair is so cute' or 'those kids are so heccin loud'. and i don't like it at all. i used to be so sure of myself, in a way. i knew what i was thinking, the things i was struggling with, and how i mentally felt. and that's what's been bothering me the most. i can't feel. I CAN'T FEEL. i can't tell of anything because i'm so numb, i guess. it just sucks man. i don't know who i am anymore. not that i had much of an idea to begin with. i just don't know.

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gosh, let's move onto something else, hah. (that's also something else i'm concerned with because what if everything is distracting me from finding myself again. what if i literally just can't get any deeper because i'm so distracted and have such a short mental attention span? we love having a crisis.) so i went to a sort of friend get together thing (get together? does anyone use that term anymore?) and i said bye to one of my closer friends there (there were a lot of people i didn't know very well, but everyone was very nice) and he gave me a hug when we left and i realized how touch / physical affection deprived i am. like that hug made my month i don't even know at this point. this whole series so far is just me saying how sad i am gosh. let's gradually move onto lighter topics.

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how about a nice list?
top things i've been enjoying recently : (that isn't music)

-the netflix show atypical ! i just finished season two and it was really nice! i think it moved fast but i thought it was good. evan and casey are honestly my otp i love them sm.

-english muffins?? they're kind of underrated and you can put anything you want on them??? like, you can make a sweet one, a savory one, maybe just a nice buttered english muffin? like, peanut butter, onion dip, jellies? so good.

-speaking of food: homemade bread! i made some subway bread rolls and they were so so good. i made my own diy subway subs and honestly, i think they were better? so @subway i'm coming for you and your branding. five dollar footlong? more like five dollar waste of money, am i right ?

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i can't really think of anything else but that just brings me to my last few things! music related things! so, as i was talking about earlier, i think i'm going to post another music / artists article because a lot of people seemed to enjoy that, and they're really fun to make. i honestly might make one now. or at least start one- i have a lot of bops!
also !! very exciting news !! i get to go see my boys robbie and conan!! they're both going on tour soon, and i snatched up some tickets before they sold out! (i'm proud of u cone.) AND!! I'M GOING TO SEE TYLER AND JOSH ON THE BANDITO TOUR AHHHH. i'm so very excited and in awe and just so grateful that i get to see these wonderful artists in real life. i can hardly believe it.

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okay, well, i think sad boy hours are over for now. it's sleepy boy hours now. i hope this was fun to read ?? i'm honestly not expecting anyone to read this, let alone click on it. it's literally just me blabbering on and on about my problems and favorite snacks. but, if you are into this kind of thing, there will definitely be more! (bec those things will probably not end any time soon aha)

see u soon !!

p.s. i doubt anyone cares but i wrote this about month ago i just never posted it but here u go. its so strange because this feels like it was so long ago ah. alright bye (: