i've been chasing after what i want.
that didn't do anything for me.
so i got a new question.

what do i need?

nothing is right, nothing is absolutely good.
i can't know anything for sure and that makes me feel helpless.

i'm so full of hatred, i hate it.

i hate the people who tell me good advises, when nothing helps and their try to help me seems like a joke. do you actually think what you say could change something for me to the better? no.
no, it doesn't at all and that makes me angry.

Image by Lina

i'm angry about all the boys who used me.
i'm angry about everyone who didn't show me love.
i'm angry about myself because i let all of this happen without fighting it.
but most of all i'm just angry and i can't really point out why.

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i need to find the reason and change something.
but it's been like this for so long already, nothing has ever changed.
at least it doesn't feel like it has changed at all. it's only gotten worse.

it must be something really bad that i'm ignoring, otherwise my soul wouldn't be so enraged and hatefull.
or am i justifying emotions that just emerged out of the nowwhere basically?
am i feeding them and dwelling on it too long so they only get stronger?
am i a slave to emotions i have created?

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i am a slave to myself i guess.
like everyone somehow is.
but something is going so wrong and i can't accept to swallow the pain, there's something horrible going on that i have to fight.

but

what is it?

is it myself?
am i horribly wrong and just hate myself so much?

i'm struggeling with selflove, but that is hardly the reason, more like a symptom, isn't it?

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come on, i can't go through this anymore.
of course i can calm down.
but it comes back and everything is how i left it.

how could anything ever change when i ignore my feelings.
i blindly believe them, i believe that their intensity has a reason.
and maybe that's my mistake.

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i'm just afraid that i will carry this time bomb that i call my heart with me for the rest of my miserable life.
i want a fresh start, a new mind and a different life.

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