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26.10.2016

(promised I won't talk about Leon)

There are so many things I miss: the Sexion D'Assaut (french rap group), Nekfeu, time, affection, a crush (Leon), money...

Anyway, I'm going to talk about someone today. Her name is Caroline. There are only two people I'm no longer in contact with but I think about: her and Leon. I want to fucking cry. It makes me sick because it doesn't suit me, I don't want to cry over someone who's no longer in my life because I maintain that people are replaceable, at least they're not necessary. I still think so, even with them in my head.

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Caroline, it's not like with Leo, she moved out. She didn't go to Lyon no, she went to the United States....Last I heard, she was in New York, 5834 kilometers from me, from Paris.Caroline I knew her since the fourth grade it seems to me, it's been 8 years.Caroline, Caro, she's sweet, really nice. She's the kind of person who makes a difference in one way or another. The kind who reassures us, the kind who will wipe tears with her thumb as if she were three years older. I remember the smell of her house as if I went there yesterday, now I walk past her apartment without even looking at it. I want to cry. Caroline she always had a kind word that made us smile, for a while we called, our Skype were spaced and lasted for hours, we always met by chance, every time I told myself I would make sure I didn't lose her again, but I lost her, every time.

Temporarily removed

I haven't thought about her for a long time, I have her last address on my wall, I have to try to write to her. I want to talk to her about everything that's going on in my life, I want her to talk about her for hours. I want to go see her, see how much she's changed. That's why I don't get attached to people, it hurts too much to lose them and think about them. I have a picture of her in my phone, but even without it I don't forget the features of her face. Friendship is strong, you know? It hurts my heart to see how transient people are, how easy it is to lose them, we're too much on this shitty planet, I have zero chance to find her my friend, I just Google-marked the address, the house is for sale. It's like everything separates us. Caroline, I miss you, it's too hard to talk about you without talking to you directly. I wish I had in my life, you're so much good advice and you're listening too. You brought me stability, you were like an angel on my shoulder. You're really a good person, if there's a heaven it doesn't deserve you.

I should be happy to have known you instead of being sad to have lost you but it's too hard, I still don't know if I really miss you or if I try to convince myself but the fact is that I cry as much as when Mufasa died. I wrote you a lot of letters I never sent you, every time I asked you for your address and I didn't send you anything. I couldn't find the time. What the fuck. I wrote you another letter at the same time as other of my friends. Caroline I hope you're happy, it seems to me that you had to adopt a dog (it was less than two years ago, our last call).
I hope you fell in love (as many times as necessary), I hope you think about me sometimes.

Losing you makes me want to not get attached to anyone.

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