Most of the time I think about dying.
If I disappeared and didn’t wake up the next day would anyone even notice? I’m always the one left out, I know that hardly anyone cares about me. I push myself to be more confident and make new friends but I always get let down. Nobody wants me around and I’m invisible unless someone wants a favour from me. I’m always the one who has to make the effort, if I didn’t try then I’d be stuck inside more than I am already.
I don’t look forward to anything anymore. Every day seems to be another battle and there’s nothing I’m living for. The only thing that keeps me going is music. No one knows how much music means to me, it says what I’m feeling and makes me feel as if I’m not the only one suffering. I put a smile on my face but no one realises that I’m close to giving up. I push forward in hope that something good will happen to me but nothing ever does.
Is there something wrong with me? I’m very shy, anxious, depressed, and moody but I can’t help it. If I say I want to die, people just laugh and don’t think I’m being serious. I feel as if I have no friends and I’m always second choice. There is always someone who is chosen before me, if someone is asked who their friends are, my name wouldn’t come to mind. I wish I was louder, more confident and not so awkward but I can’t help it. People hold against me stuff that I can’t control. I feel like I’m a good person but the way I’m treated makes me question whether I’m really supposed to be here or not.
I wish I could change who I am. I wish I had genuine friends. I wish I was loved by someone and wasn’t second best. I wish I wouldn’t want to die, but a lot of the time I do.