I grab my pillow between my hands and roll over myself, turning to the other side. As I feel his warm breath against my back my uneasiness increases and so does my heart beat. I feel a knot in my chest. A knot so heavy that the simple task of breathing seems like a stoic one. I tried to calm my racing mind and shoo away all of my discomforts, but as soon as I felt his arms rushing over me, I reached my limit – I got up hurriedly and left the room. It was an abnormally cold night, but I was grateful to feel the icy air of the night touching my skin. Truth is that all I wanted at that moment was to cool down – both thoughts and feelings – but I was more than certain that even the coldest wind wouldn’t be able to help me.

bedroom, home, and bed image Temporarily removed

I sat on the porch floor, lit a cigarette and stared at the stars – how did I get there? How did I get to that point? Somewhere, lost between my thoughts and the unrest that throbbed in my heart, I could feel a twinge of guilt for slipping from his embrace and leaving him with an empty bed to occupy. But that was one of those nights when the mere idea of sharing a bed with someone else shivered my soul. I taste my cigarette again and begin to mentally review each and every one of my fears. One by one.

balcony, night, and flowers image black, nails, and cigarette image

I’ve always had fears since I can remember. I was afraid of the dark, afraid of heights, afraid of spiders. And to accompany all of these, I had acquired a few others, less irrational and stupid, along the way. Still, none of them even reached the heels of the fear that plagued me that night. And perhaps fear wasn’t even the most accurate word to define what I felt at that moment. I had been afraid of losing someone I loved. Very. I had been afraid of goodbyes. Very. I had been afraid of someone giving up on me. Very. And I had also been afraid of getting my heart broken. Very. Very. But no one had prepared me for what would happen if the parts were reversed.

Temporarily removed

And truth was that nothing could really compare to the feeling that haunted me when I looked into his eyes and could only notice how platitudinous and insipid brown can be when you have already admired the blue of the sea. There was nothing like the feeling of a damn black hole in my chest whenever his arms surrounded me – because the hug that created galaxies in my chest proceeded to belong to someone else. Nothing compared to the feeling of discomfort whenever I heard him say my name. Nor the feeling of not being able to reciprocate the affection I received, because the heart that I called home was still beating in another chest. I taste my cigarette again and begin to mentally review each and every one of my fears. One by one.

The tightness in my chest deepened and the question that had been hovering over my head, hit me again with an unreasonable intensity – how did I get there? Five years later and I wasn’t sure if I had lost more of you or of myself. I just knew that even after two years of that even after two years of sharing a home and a life with someone else – who had no endless galaxies in his eyes and did not flutter butterflies in my stomach whenever he smiled – I still could not share the core of any love story – my heart. Because it still belonged to you. Even if you did not know it. Even if you did not want it. And the question haunts me even more violently - what if it's like this forever? If even though I have someone who loves me completely, I’m not able to give myself, not even half-heartedly because my heart has settled down in someone else? And no, that idea did not scare me. It terrified me.

- 5 years from now

This article was written by @Moonliightbaaaby on the We Heart It Writers Team.