❝ Something you always think "what if..." about.❞

21.10.2018

I feel like I talk about him every day or think about him every day. It's getting unhealthy, it's even freaking me out. Leon, I know this isn't the last time I talk about him, sometimes I wonder how it would have been if we had "dated".

I still don't know if I force myself to think about you or if I really miss you, I also don't know if, in an almost silly and imposed relativity I loved you in one way or another. I think so, probably through hatred and repressed anger. But the fact is, I probably loved you, and I probably still do. Love is a big word, I don't know if that's the right word to use, but I miss you. I get too lost here, "what if we had gone out together?" I feel like a fucking buffoon. You moved to boarding school. Maybe it would have lasted two weeks, three months or two years. I don't know, I wouldn't know. But I wonder all the time, if only "what if we were still in contact? "what if you had replied to the message I sent you in three years? ". You are the master of "what if?" I'm already having a hard time with potentially romantic relationships, but since I've been thinking about you, it's impossible. Maybe if I hadn't been afraid of commitment we'd be together, maybe I'd be different.

I don't know how to end this.

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