I always try to do my best for everyone, and I really love doing that, but I have come to the realization that I do not listen to my own advice.

So I am a senior, and I did not know how hard that is. You have so much on your plate. In my culture seniors are supposed to get drunk, stay up late, go out every weekend, having lots of friends, apply to college/university, study, get A`s, be a good daughter/son, be good at everything at the same time as you are supposed to be rebellious and bend rules.

You simply have to be everything all at once. Perfect friend, perfect student, perfect human being. Everything has to be done all at once. You have so many expectations for yourself, you get stressed out, nervous, anxious, scared, tired, sad. All negative results.

I only have a couple of months left to decide what I am going to do further in my life. What university will I apply to? What do I want to study? What career path? What job? Where should I live? I have no clue, at all. It is so hard. I want to do something that makes me happy, but I do not know what I would be happy with. I have not even figured out who I am yet. How will I know what I want to be when I get older when I do not even know myself?

I have always dreamt about doing this thing, but this is something I will not make enough money from, my parents do not support it, I have not done it since I was little, and I am not sure I am good enough at it, and that industry is such a tough and hard one. Theater. I want to do theatre, but it is just a dream and I have learnt that that is the toughest industry out there.

I should follow my heart and do what I dream of, but at the same time that seems undoable. I should be myself, do something I am passionate about. But if we want to get through life, we have to think about the salary numbers of the careers, not what we really want to do.
I want to live in an English speaking country, because that is a big part of my identity. I love the English language, but since I am from a country that does not have English as the first language, I do not have that many career options if I live in for example England.
I do not even know what I want to do, but I know I have less options if I choose to attend University abroad.

All I want to do is be happy. I want to do what I dream of doing, but that is just not how life works.

I keep telling myself that everything will be okay in the end, that I will be fine, I will be happy one day with what I am doing. There will be hard times, scary situations, stressful decisions, regrets and uncertainties in the future. One day I might achieve my dream, even if it is very unlikely, or just come very close to achieving it. Everything happens for a reason.

Growing up means making mistakes, and try to correct them on your own. Nobody helps you. Growing up means paying your bills, buying the groceries on your own. Growing up means, not wanting to socialize with lots of people, but forever wishing you find someone who would share your life in peace and quiet. As you grow up, you realize that there are bigger problems than heartbreak, friend loss, bad grades, and so on. Growing up hurts. But it is something we all have to go through. The main thing about growing up is connected to your mind.

xx