A list of what I should not have done that night:
-Allow Cassidy to peer pressure me
-Sneak out of Cassidy’s house
-Get into a car with two strange men
-Try smoking weed for the first time
-Stayed quiet

A list of what You should not have done that night:
-Take the virginity of a 13 year old girl
-Rape a 13 year old girl
-Been talking to a teenage girl in the early hours of the morning at 21 years old

Do you remember those friends you had when you were younger that you were with at all times during the summer? Mine happened to live right next door to me, we had sleepover marathons that lasted weeks. Usually we did dumb pre-teen girl things. Played with makeup, went ghost hunting, ran around the neighborhood, that kind of thing. Cassidy was a fun friend, but not a good one.
When she got bored, things escalated. At times, it got dangerous. And I’ve always been the ride or die type.
That’s how I wound up at a public park across town from where we lived at 2 in the morning.
Parked by the curb underneath a street lamp, being convinced to smoke weed. I was uncomfortable, if you had a beating heart you’d be able to see that clear as day.
The two grown men who had picked us up at the park down the street from Cassidy’s apparently decided who would have which girl before they’d even stopped the car.
After smoking, the driver decided payment was due. After all, we owed them gas and grass money.
Scared.
What Cass did in that car I know she had done many times before, the sad truth. Using her body as payment. It had become her normal and soon it would be mine too.
My date and I took into the night, spending a little time on the playground before more of me died off.
Cold.
He was nice enough. He kissed me gently but I knew he had control over me the whole time.
He took my clothes off.
I wonder, did the moonlight make me look older?
I was quite literally a deer caught in headlights. I couldn’t run. He towered 3 feet taller than me, 8 years older and more experienced than I was.
He sat me on top of him, moving me like I was as light as a pillow.
Numb.
As he entered me, so did a pain I had never known the likes of. I tried not to let it show, he must’ve seen.
“Am I your first?” I nodded. He seemed proud of that. Of course he was. This is a trophy in his eyes. He smirked… I swear I still see that smirk in my nightmares from time to time. Something about the perfect straight white teeth glistening in the moonlight…
In a split second he switched our position, another power move.
I turned my head to the side, looking for an escape.
I found my peace in the dewy grass blades of the early morning. Only, in my memory everything is black and white.
Fine.
He finished.
Rolled off the top of me.
I put my pants back on.
Somehow I made it home.
I didn’t speak for the rest of that night.

I was 18 years old when I finally realized that I had indeed been raped. It’s a crazy thought, shouldn’t I have known when it happened? It’s just, I thought rape was sex.
Isn’t it crazy that at 13 I was already under the impression that I owed this grown man my body and virginity for taking MAYBE two hits of weed? And thought it made SENSE?

>Disclaimer: Thank you so much for making it this far, thank you for paying attention to my story. Posting this was mainly for myself, to have my stories put into the world one way or another. It’s still hard to speak these stories aloud, but each day it gets easier and soon I’ll be able to put it to rest.<