I don't really know what exactly to write so I'm going to wing it. Alright so for the past while I have not been depressed as much and been doing good. Caring more then usual I suppose at certain times so basically what I am trying to say is I don't know what is going on as well. Maybe it was a good thing but now I don't really think so anymore. I have been doing good here or there for some friends it got me feeling good to hear they liked what they got and I helped make them feel better. Though me as well I suppose only for the simple fact I wanted to do some good and thoughtful stuff. I had my reasons and such I try to do good from time to time.

Lately I guess since I have been doing so much like that or getting into conversations with more people maybe it is a bit overwhelming. I feel like I am not caring for myself as much anymore and slowly giving more of a shit about others. I don't understand why and I obviously don't like it because I feel drained. I understand I'm doing something and doing stuff rather then not doing anything at all but I feel like going back to how I was before. I had the time and energy to myself. Things I want to enjoy basically. I feel like I want a break from people. I know what I was doing was good but at the same time I wasn't feeling good.

I didn't get why I was going out of my way when I should be caring about my life not anyone else. I don't want to sound selfish or anything, I don't know I just need to do my own things. I want to have control of my life rather then being sucked in by people, having to go above and beyond for them. It seems unhealthy to me and I can't handle it. I need my distance because that way I know I am fine and things can be fine. I need some type of peace around me and in my head. Maybe somehow I knew full well what I was doing and I didn't care about it so kept doing so.

Ok but like enough is enough. I can't keep doing things and I am not saying people should do the same for me because I couldn't care less if they did. If you do good, if not that's good too like what do you want from me? I was trying to bring a change in my days by doing good, giving myself some type of purpose in my life like a mission I guess. The only good its done was in that moment right then and there afterwards its just a thought. Its good to do so once in a while but there should be a limit. I think I am at mine considering I don't want to talk to anyone or anything.

Whether I am going back to being depressed or just trying to enjoy my life little by little however I can. I think I'm fine with that because people don't seem to understand I'm not always going to make the first move in things. I don't always want to make something happen. After doing so for the past few weeks or so trying to do everything I can, I just want it to stop. Not because I want people to do the same but so they understand its not about them or their needs. I'm sorry if this sounds in any way harsh or mean but forgive me for actually stopping and thinking about my life. I only get one you know and I obviously plan to do whatever I want with it.

I guess sometimes you have to stop trying and just try to focus on yourself. No one else is going to do that for you. If your the one always putting in the effort somehow your going to lose yourself by doing so. Wondering who am I and who am I suppose to be? You'll lose yourself little by little and then tend to overthink whether or not you should of done that. I legit want to be honest and say I was about to break my phone. I tried to do so, I just didn't want to be on my phone or have a phone anymore at that moment. Though I stopped and thought I still needed it I can't do that. There are so many reasons of why I didn't go through with it so I just stopped myself and took a breather. I was overthinking and overloading myself. I know I didn't want to talk to anyone but that wasn't going to solve anything.

If anything I might of regretted it afterwards and no doubt I really would of. I suppose I got into the heat of the moment the shit that occurs in your head is just tough at times. Overall I guess I'm going to do what's best for me or try to. I'll do what I can and that should be enough. I can't be worrying about everyone because who is going to do the same for me? In the end I am my own hero, of course I knew that. It just needed to take some time and a bit of peace in my mind. I still have a headache from all this but somehow I feel a bit better. Maybe it took some stuff out of my head all I know is I am me and I am the fucking shit. No one's going to tell me otherwise.