I was so ashamed of something that happened to me so long ago. Maybe I even completely blocked it from my memories, only to resurface years later.
The important part is, I never told anyone about it. You never faced any of the consequences. You are the one who should be ashamed.
More like a brother than a cousin. Does that make it any better?
I can remember that day so vividly now, I can feel the heat of the summer and smell the freshly mown grass.
It was my 8th birthday. Mom bought me a new swimsuit from Costco, an adorable electric purple one piece. You came over with the rest of the cousins, we spent the day swimming and eating fresh fruit.
As the party wound down, only my cousins were left. Bits of straggling family left out on the back porch with a couple of beers.
Mace had the great idea to play hide and seek in the dark, one of our favorites.
After winning the first round by hiding in the laundry basket, I was scrambling to find a better spot to hide. I found a small little corner in the back of my sister’s closet, nestled behind my mom’s wedding dress. Right as I got into position, the closet door slid open. You told me that it’d be better to hide together this time, made me promise not to give you up if I was found first.
A few minutes must’ve passed, standing in the dark closet squeezed together like sardines.
Now, my newly 8 year old brain didn’t even know what sex was, that private parts had uses other than urination. The only concern I had was winning for a second time.
When your hands slid around my tiny hips and you positioned yourself directly behind me, the only thing I felt was scared.
“It’s normal for cousins to experiment” you whispered from behind me.
“Experiment what?” I meekly whispered.
“Boy and girl stuff” Then your hands plunged into my pants, searching for something. Groping and ravaging my privates.
He made fun of me for still having my swimsuit on.

On my 8th birthday, I lost my innocence. I lost my voice. I lost more than I even know.
What’s worse, you set the bar for all the shit brained boys who would take something from me in the future.

>Disclaimer: Thank you so much for making it this far, thank you for paying attention to my story. Posting this was mainly for myself, to have my stories put into the world one way or another. It’s still hard to speak these stories aloud, but each day it gets easier and soon I’ll be able to put it to rest.<