FACELESS

this story has been translated from french, so it may be worded strangely, my apologies.
this was written by one of my best friends! I love it and had to beg her to let me share it, but she said yes!

this story contains graphic descriptions of suicide. viewer discretion is advised.

the first time i thought about doing it was in eighth grade. i told a boy i liked him. he told me i had a donkey face. such a stupid, meaningless comment. but i didn’t go to school for the next four days. i faked influenza.
i hated going outside. i hated being at school. i hated talking to people. there came a time when i couldn’t even face my family.
i did not mean to kill myself. or maybe i did. i could not possibly tell you what was going through my mind the day i picked up the butcher knife.
i had done it before. when i was at home alone, i had picked up the knife, and raised it to my face and stared in the mirror. i had never split my skin. until that fateful night.
something urged me to cut. just cut and cut and cut. when i started, i winced at the feeling of warm, thick blood running down my cheek. i kept going until i passed out.
the doctors said that they think i was unconscious for two hours before i died of blood loss. i know it was four.
if i had known that afterwards i could see everything i wouldn’t have done it.
i saw my mother find me. i was already dead. she screamed and screamed and did not stop screaming until the paramedics told her i was dead. then she just stared at my body. more specifically, my face.
my suicide made national news. parents around the country covered their children’s eyes when the crime scene photo was showed. my face was no longer a face. it was wet dark red tissue paper.
theories erupted. some thought i did it to make a statement. some thought i was murdered. i just didn’t want my face to be in any more pictures.
looking back i know this was stupid. and i hate myself for doing it now that i am dead more than i could ever hate myself for refraining when i was alive.
this purgatory feels like hell.
i was beautiful.
now i am faceless.