i met you at a weird time in my life. i didn't really want to be with someone else.

then we started talking. at first i was careful, i didn't want to get to attached to a guy that could leave just as quick as he appeared.

but i did. i got attached. i remember the exact moment it happened. i was drawing. my brow scrunched up in frustration of the fact that i couldn't get it quite right. in my side of the eye i could see you looking at me. we made eye contact.

"what..." i asked, smiling slighty

you laughed softly and shook your head, turning the other way before turning to me again, breaking out in another large smile

"what!" i insisted "for real!"

"nothing" you said simply, "you're just amazingly beautiful" you looked me right in the eyes when you said it.

at that moment i thought "this is the boy i'll risk everything for"

days passed, and so did weeks. you finally built up the confidence to ask me out. at first i said "i don't know", but then found you after school, ran up to you and said "yes". i remember getting over my anxiety at that exact moment and committing to something that was really going to make me happy. change my life.

we walked together, talked together, even the little conversations i played over and over again in my head because i couldn't get enough of you.

and i still can't get enough of you.

sunday night we broke up, monday night you blew up my phone with how you feel about me, how you literally burst into tears at the thought of me out of your life forever.

i asked you what was holding you back.

you told me about a girl. the girl you used to be "obsessed" with told you that she likes you. and she wants to be with you.

i told you how i felt about you. how i'm all for you and nothing will change that. we both agreed to get back together- that it was a terrible decision to break up in the first place.

"all in?" i typed "promise?"

"promise baby" you replied

what made you break that simple promise? what came across your mind that the way i held you was not enough and instead you needed to break up with me and run into the arms of another woman.

the last thing you typed was "you didn't make me unhappy"

then why did you leave me for her.

broke my heart after school on that tuesday. i see you with her on wednesday.

every time i see you with her my insides bubble. i want to gorge out my eyeballs and erase every memory of your touch, your smell, your voice. i never want to see this again.

yet every day i have to.

yesterday you leaned up against the doorway i was standing in and looked right at me.

"so you're not gonna talk to me?" you asked simply

"about what" i said. looking straight ahead i couldn't bare to make eye contact. you know what those eyes do to me.

"i don't know... anything?" you said, rubbing your thumbs together.

you sigh, "i think i broke my knuckles" you continue. telling me about how you hit a locker and it hurts. you then tell me you're probably going to do it again.

"sounds like something you'd do!" i suddenly say, whipping around

you continue to walk away i turn back, looking ahead. counting the seconds until i hear the "wham" of the locker being indeed punched again.

i close my eyes and a small sad smile spreads across my lips. that small moment. the teasing. the fact you are so ignorant and sometimes absolutely crazy. but thats what i like about you.

the fact that i could still know your behavior pleased me. the fact that you thought about me even a little bit pleased me.

i miss you.

i really do.

i woke up every morning this week with a warm feeling in my stomach, the thought of seeing you. then the truth breaks in and i'm left sobbing again.

there is no us.

only you.

and i.

maybe one day our hearts will connect again.

like you said, "maybe we should have stayed friends and not have ruined what we had"

i know you hurt me but i can't help but hope.

love,
naveen

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