"I am not worthy"

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Lately, I am getting it all.
When I read my old diary entries everything I worried about accomplishing is something I accomplished or am about to accomplish.
And now I am even more motivated to start the new semester in Uni, driving school, Korean classes, a new job, and a new relationship.
But then there is this voice.
The same voice I had when I got my first Doc Martens.
This feeling of not being worthy.

I recently went to Korea and managed to plan and organize a trip to a foreign country without being homeless and starving 5000kilometers away from home.
I managed a shit tone of bureaucratic stuff this year (like parents/adult type of shit).
I managed to take care of myself.
I managed to quit my toxic job.
I met a great guy.
Lately, everything is changing and I feel like I should be feeling like a fucking queen because I am accomplishing my goals.
But I've been feeling very angsty for no reason.
Like this is all too good for me.
I thought about messing up this Job interview on purpose because I felt like I am "not in a mood for a new job".
I thought about questioning my relationship because I feel like its weird that a cute guy likes me.
I thought about not doing things (like signing up for classes for University early and now look at me running from office to office because I missed the deadline).
There are people who realized that and are asking me what's wrong but I have no answer other than this voice in my head telling me "you're not worthy".
And its a constant fight between uber-proud me and self-sabotaging me.

I like the hustle and I like being in control of things.
In the end of the day the reason why I think I self sabotage is because I think the higher I get, the lower I can fall.
If I get used to accomplishing and achieving how defeated will I feel when I fail?
I really wanna be that girl that stunts her relationship and school and work and is not afraid for new challenges and seeks for new challenges,
but on the other hand, I really want to stay in bed.

flowers, heart, and garden image
I'll have a pep talk with myself and try to be nice to myself.
My last one <3
Still reading?