i had a mental breakdown last night. you might have or might have not experienced this before. but i'm telling you anyway. i don't have anywhere else to write my feelings down after all.

you know that one weird moment in the middle of the night when you just suddenly stop thinking? because normally you would just overthink and your mind is flooded with thoughts? and one moment your brain stops processing and you suddenly take everything in. out of a sudden you feel tired, most likely to be exhausted. and you just don't feel like doing anything, at all? and then suddenly it hits you, every problem in your life, big or small, all at once, it hits you like a tidal wave. and you were so not prepared for that. mentally and physically. and that results in you having to lie down because your chest feels tight and you almost can't breathe. and then you cry. loud sobs, ugly cry. and you haven't cried for the longest time you could remember. also, there may be sad music playing in the background, maybe not. but if it was, it didn't help u anyway, maybe it helps adding in a little more of a dramatic effect.

for a moment you feel like whatever you're trying to accomplish is just so worthless. you start to reminisce and all your achievements and good memories disappear because apparently you can't recall any. instead, you feel like your whole life is a dark mess and anybody, any freaking individual is just better than you. you feel worthless. you feel like you're losing in the game of your life. you don't feel like enough, not necessarily bad but simply just not good enough. everything is just... wrong. dead wrong.

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and then you realise you're crying way too much now and you can't breathe no longer. you go grab some tissues and go pass a mirror. it makes you stop dead in your tracks. there's an ugly mess looking back at you. she looks horribly unfamiliar. she looks bad. she looks so damn bad that you almost feel sorry for her.

it takes you a while to stop staring your own reflection down. you also realise you have stopped crying at this moment. tears have stopped streaming down your cheeks. oxygen is back in your lungs, heartโ€™s beating loudly. suddenly you don't feel sad no more. to be more exact, you aren't feeling anything. you are unable to feel anything at that specific moment. that is weird because you know yourself, you're always so emotional. you can't seem to think, too. you find yourself still looking in the mirror. now that you're sick at your own reflection, you go away, preferably back to your bed. the pillow is still wet from your breakdown session earlier.

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you lie down. you stare at the ceiling. all the lights are off, only the lights from outside are reflecting through your windows. it's really dark. you find yourself not overthinking like you usually do. your mind wanders back to the moment just a while ago. you cried your heart out for no reason. you tell yourself it was for no reason. but deep down you know everything was building up to that moment. you just simply could not hold it in no more. it was hurting you silently and violently. maybe that's the reason why. now it all seems like things are more at ease. at least that's what you assume. however, it makes you mentally empty and physically exhausted. you fell asleep with your pillow still wet and your heart still beating so loudly.

next morning you wake up feeling more empty than ever, but at least something has been shifted from the inside. mental breakdowns don't fix anything, but somehow, falling apart every once in a while is not too bad after all.

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xo, m.