in ninth grade

my lover gave me beer and vodka in different bottles

i asked for them.
he told me to be careful.

that night i thought i was drinking him away
the taste of his lips
the color of the hickies he gave me
the feeling of his hips
the softness of his hair

the vodka's cool, burning sensation running down my throat
gave me comfort i didn't have.

but i knew deep down i was drinking her away.
her beautiful smile
her gentle kisses on my cheek
her warmth radiating unto me
her face when she found out what i had done.

the beer's gentle flavor bit me back when i realized

he was the one who shaped me.
he was my first boy kiss.

but she was the one who loved me.
i want her back so bad.
so bad.