october 5th (P.S. I got over him)

Hello, I've been thinking about writing this for weeks now and I'm still not sure if this is a good idea.I'm pretty sure this is not what you'd like to read now, I know you need your space, time and I'm doing my best to stay away from you.I hope this is not going to upset you because that's not the point of it.
You have been everywhere for the past few months, in the sunrise, in the cold air of october, in the songs of my favorite band, in the brown leaves gold glow under the warm setting sun, in the way my mom looks into my eyes when I come back from school knowing that I hide something, in the taste of champagne, in the way people were looking at me when I got drunk on my birthday party, in my blood, and in my thoughts. I've been fighting wars with my own thoughts and yet I don't know if I survived. It's a struggle to wake up in the morning, life feels like a blur, I am damaged now, I know that but I won't ever regret a thing we did. I've been wondering how's your life now and I know that you don't want to hear about me, that's why I've never got the courage to text you. I am also afraid of doing that and I see no point in it as long as you don't want me. I meet people everyday, W, but yet no one's like you. Not even close. And I'm thinking about how we would criticize and laugh at them if only you were here. And I know, it's bad that I still do it. I should try to forget about you and I am doing my best, but sometimes I just need someone to tell me Hey, you're doing great and everything will be alright. He doesn't hate you. Just keep on going. . I am missing you like crazy, you don't want to hear about me, this hurts me and makes me feel like I've done a horrible thing to you. I still think back of the days we were still together and of the things I did while I still had you, while you were still there, while I could still call you mine. I know thinking about what happened only makes it worse but I cannot help it.I accepted everything that happened and I'm still learning to take it easy and be kind to myself. I've been going through a lot of shit and phases since you left, a lot has happened to me and even though I was pretending I was getting over you, somehow I always wished you were still there for me to listen to how my day was.

_I've been sad before, I've been depressed before but I've never got such terrible thoughts like I did these past few months. What can I say now? I've learnt to accept things with time, I am obviously not as sad as before, but I still get sad from time to time. That's totally fine for me because I know it is normal, being sad doesn't bother me anymore, I've learnt to let myself be sad, cry about it, scream, lay on the ground, talk to God about it. I've learnt that it is not a crime to let yourself be sad and cry if you feel like it. But the thoughts..That's the most terrifying thing I've ever been through so far. This is when my hands start to shake and sweat, this is when I can feel my heartbeat in my neck, like my heart's about to get out of my chest any moment now. I know these thoughts won't stop and I am afraid. I know I'll feel fear, pain and panic soon. And like this, I am afraid of being afraid. I've been getting intrusive obsessive thoughts lately but yet I didn't find the way to handle them.
I've been going through too much, W and I am thankful to God for keeping me alive to this day, to the moment I am writing this to you. I've thought about killing myself too many times before and I've learnt many things. Accepting the fact that you're going through things now and that you're in pain feels much better than thinking about ending it all. Accepting means letting your heart heal. But accepting isn't enough. You also have to let things go for that. Even now, while I am writing this to you I know I let things go, because if I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have been able to write this now, I would've probably been writing letters about wanting you back and shit you don't want to hear from me.

I am learning everyday how to let things go and to accept the past. To accept what I felt and what I feel now, to stop comparing it. These are two different things. I am learning how to be kind to myself and not to panic when I feel those thoughts coming back. I've been depressed, sad, I felt fear and desperation but there is no such terrible thing to me as those obsessive thoughts I have been getting and the way they made me feel like. They bring panic, fear, shock, paranoia, hate, disgustion. This gives me reasons to kill myself but, yet there are so many more beautiful things out there that are worth to be seen and felt. Just like you. I am so thankful I was alive at the time I met you and, in general I am thankful that God gave me the chance to meet you. No matter how much I hated seeing how easily you walked out of my life, like I was never a reason to stay, I still think you brought more happiness than sadness into my life. Sometimes I feel grateful because once, there was a time in my life when I had your love, I feel so pleased and relieved. I feel overwhelmed and I have to thank God and the universe for the fact that our paths crossed at some moment in our lives, for some unknown, very strange and wonderful reason. It was very rare to meet you. You may have made me hate the fact that everything is temporary, that no matter how beautiful it is and how much passion, grace and gratitude it brings to your life, it will eventually end, the fact that I felt like I wasn't worth it, when you left me but I've never hated you whatsoever. People were telling me I am young, I have to meet so many other people, to travel, to see so many beautiful places and to tell me that there are still a lot of other wonderful things to be seen, felt and experienced in life. When someone is broken, they don't want to hear others talking about how beautiful life is, although one of the best people in your life, the person you thought stars were shining for, left. For a month I didn't want to meet anyone else, to see other places, to discover other things, I had no interest in anything else and to be completely honest, I still find it hard to feel interested in the best things in my life. I am not talking to anyone at all now and it's extremely hard for me to build relationships and to share bonds with people when they're not you. when I feel like something's missing in me and my whole life; yet I believe that I am strong and I will be over this soon, one day, no matter how far that day is. I've felt real happiness with you and I believe that I will find it again, it doesn't matter how disappointing it is to know that you won't be here to make me feel it again.
No matter how hard it is to make it through the day, or to fall asleep at night, it is in our self interest to find a way to be very tender: with the people around us, family, friends, random people, strangers you won't ever meet again, with pets, flowers, and finally, with ourselves. I know I have acted completely irrationally, childish and very selfish. I am aware of all these things, but it kind of felt of like I've met you at the right time, I've done the most stupid things and you left me at the right time, all just to ruin me. It all feels like it was meant to be. And I accept that now. I have dated other people before and I can tell that I've never loved so deeply and with so much passion, I like to think that I fell really hard, and I am more than sure that I did, because what else was it if not love, if not falling really bad, what else would've took so much passion and gentleness but yet so much desperation, hope and fear?.. I repeat, I have dated other people when I was younger and I've respected their decisions, I gave them space and time and it did not hurt me that they needed it. But something made me go insane when you needed your own time and space, like the world was ending. I knew I just had to accept it but it drove me insane before I could've done anything else.

Besides that, I want you to know that I am giving myself time and asking people for space because despite the fact that I don't feel like sharing anything with them for now, I want to be something better and I feel myself becoming a wiser, calmer, more gentle and less cruel woman; with me and the people i'm surrounded with. I know you did the exact thing a mature and responsible 20 years old man would've done. And I respect, appreciate and admire you so much for that, your mind is an interesting and wonderful thing for me. At some point I knew there were roots of obsession growing inside of me, there was more obsession than love, more desperation than passion and that's such a wrong thing in love; but I honestly feel like I was too young and fragile to understand and to stop that, too ignorant and unaware. Passion makes people love more and accept how the other feels like, desperation only drives the one insane.I used to ignore that obsession that was flowing through my veins, I couldn't believe it's such a big deal, I couldn't believe it would've been the end of us. I let it hurt me because all I wanted was you, I let it hurt me until I couldn't anymore. I want you to know that this is a new thing for me as well, I've never felt these things before and I have been shocked by it for some time.
As I said, I appreciate you for doing what you did, I can tell it was somehow, a brave thing to do. I've only wished you were not so harsh and more gentle with me and my heart because that's what brought me in that state, those thoughts and panic attacks. Finally, I do not regret anything we did, the wild and aggressive happiness or, especially, the suffocating sorrow I felt, I am just sorry for going insane like that, but somehow I know it is not my fault because I wouldn't have ever meant to do that to us. I've been going through real hard times lately and I've been a victim of my own thoughts and that was horrible, terrifying and very shocking for me. But in the end, all I can say is that it was worth it; it was definitely, absolutely, with no doubt, worth it. Loving you and having your love back felt glorious. Oh God, how could I ever regret that? I am so thankful that at some point in my life I was loved by you and I hope I didn't take it for granted. I think that maybe I did, because sometimes we don't realize that the best thing that's ever happened to us is sitting there, right under our nose. Always appreciate the simplest and littlest things you have in your life, because you never know what tomorrow brings.

After all, you will always be welcome back in my life, W, no matter what, and I hope you already know that by now. I strongly believe that after years I'll be a better woman and hope that we may meet again at the right time. Well, the right time, at least, to have a talk, maybe something more, like being friends again, but never the right time to break hearts and to make each other sad. I know that there was a time when we both made each other happy, and I believe that we can do it again. I wish you the best all this world could ever give to a very interesting, independent, worthy of all the respect, love, and strangely wonderful man like you are._

All the love there is,

"Before we were even born, You asked me to choose the color of your eyes, but our souls were too young and we've never seen a single thing the world had to offer, all we ever got to see was the sky, so I chose blue."