hey love...
so today everyhthing has been a little overwhelming and i just wanted to rant about through a story. this is how i really feel about everything. and it's easier to do in a non confrontational way. it was difficult for me to write this article

a long time ago, when i was 13 i was happy. i was funny and i loved to make people laugh. i was smart and young and pretty nice. and now i'm 15. 2 years may not seem a lot, but i changed a shit ton. i grew up but i grew into something i didn't want to be.

i guess that things in life change. and because of that you change. a lot of things happened to me that i never liked talking about. i'm a very private person. but i started to see what mistakes i had been making and it was so hard to go back on it. because i hate to think about it, i never knew that millions of small mistakes could really derail your life. but i kept it all in, i never spoke, never even dreamed about telling people the shit i'm going through in life. i didn't want to seem dramatic, naive or anything that made me look like an amateur in some way. i just kept waking up, going places, smile like i'm at my best and go home. that was my schedule, worst schedule ever.

when i turned 14 things started to get bad at the end of the summer of 2017. high school started. i met new people. don't worry i didn't get bullied or nothing happened with people, just me. i saw different things in people, things that i didn't have that i wanted. i wasn't jealous i was just, desperate. my grades didn't go so well. i barely passed my classes. and i feel like it was all my fault, i wasn't trying hard enough. i knew my mistakes but i kept making them. and in the middle/end of freshman year that's when i became depressed. extremely. my parents were fighting, my sister did drugs and ran away. everything at home was chaotic. can you imagine looking at someone not knowing that their parents are fighting everyday threatning to get a divorce and their sister did drugs and they did some to and their grades are shit. now it's all fucked up. you take one look at me and you can't even tell i'm sad, you just assume i'm happy. taking it all in hurt to much.

and now i'm 15. and it's just getting worse. i feel useless. i want to hurt myself. but i can't. all around me, colorful people and you look at this small patch of black and white and it's me. i'm still taking it in. and for some reason i noticed something, that when i sob in the middle of the night in bed, i can feel my heart tear a little and i feel it pounding in sadness, like it's crying to. and i look at the other side of the bed and no one is there laying down comforting me, i'm alone. i wanted someone so bad. to just hug me. don't you want that? when your sobbing and for someone to not ask you what's wrong and to just hug you like they know your going through a rough time. i wanted it so bad but i cry for things that will never happen. i have trouble with body image, i body shame myself. i make bad choices. i have this passionate boiling hate with myself. i'm at war. all of it is inside and not showing one bit. i'm damn good at hiding myself.

i hope that when you read this article that you think about yourself for a second and make sure your in a good place before its to late. i hope many read this and learn a little something. love youuu.