I really really don’t know why exactly I’m doing this but I guess I’ll give it a try.

Most of the time I get upset at myself for doing “everything” “wrong” I know, it’s stupid but believe me when I say it, in my opinion I always mess everything up and always end up blaming myself for the bad result.

You should be thinking “wth with this girl is she like stupid?” and the answer would be no, I’m not. It’s just that I always try, I always try to be “perfect” in some way, I always try to be someone that the “cool kids” like and in some way getting myself lost in the process, I always try to change myself over and over to be someone that everybody likes, I always try to moderate myself and lock up my feelings to be accepted by the ones I care or cared.
I guess many people don’t even get it or just don’t really care about what I feel or what I think and it’s okay I guess that it’s not that relevant but when some people that you cared what they thought, you cared of what they felt, you simply cared about them and you thought that the feeling was mutual some day decide that for just a rumor, a change of school or raise in social status they’re gonna pass up where the sun doesn’t see all the time and moments you spent with them, all the laughter, and even the bad times you helped them get through and simply treat you with indifference or fakeness (idk if it’s the right word) and simply cut you off of everything, it’s going to feel the same?

Let me tell you.

I think you all are thinking that I should just simply ignore it and move on I know, I know all of it and I’ve tried I really really tried but it doesn’t feel right it still hurts. I’m tired of it.

I must be a coward for not telling them this but I’m tired, I’m tired of feeling this way, of acting this way to try and get them back to like me.

And no, not in the romantic relationship department.

They were people I really trusted, people I called “my best friends”.

It’s fascinating to see how a person you thought you knew becomes in a short amount of time someone that’s closest to be a stranger.
For them I moderated myself, repressed what I thought, agreed about things I actually was against and over all tried to become like them.

This story/message I don’t really know what it is, is to share with you my “experience” in how i saw someone important to me completely change in front of my own eyes for a little of “social relevance”.

With all of this rant-vent-I-don’t-exactly-know I freed myself of the thoughts of beg their friendship anymore.

Friendship is something you don’t buy, it’s something that you earn and if the person doesn’t care you simply shouldn’t be there.

Be there for the ones you really know will be there for you too.

And as my momma and grandma always say: Real friends can be counted with the fingers of a single hand and even so you can leave some fingers without count.