Today I got myself thinking again, overthinking everything again.
And as I was wondering about all the stupid things that went wrong in my life, I thought: 'What if we're never going to be okay?'

Am I gonna be okay with not being okay?
Or will life continue to be so unexpectable.
In ten years, will I still have a constant feeling of fear.

Because I'm so done with being afraid of what every new day will bring. Every night I end up thinking about what the next day will bring, will tomorrow be the day I can't handle it anymore? Will I give up tomorrow?

It's hard right now, one thing can change my mood, one word can change my answer, one intonation can change my mind. I go from doubt to living to the fullest, to wondering if I should just end it.

Am I ever gonna be 'stable'? Will I ever have a normal life?
What is a 'normal' life?

Sometimes I just feel so different, like no one would understand, so I pretend, I always pretend to be fine.

No wait, everything is fine, everything is so fine that I'm afraid of what my own next step might be? I honestly don't know it, because at times I just regret the fact that I'm still here.

Because I hate the way this society works and I try so hard to survive in it. But what I want most is to change it and as long as I can't do anything to change it, as long as my actions don't mean a thing, I will continue to feel like giving up.

But isn't that just the most important part in life? Going on when all you want to do is give up?

Is it actually?

If I survive my own thoughts, I want to be able to mean something to someone. If I can save one person, it would be worth it for me, that would be enough for me.

But first,
I need to save myself.

And I'm still figuring out how.