We were like, a movie, and people who were watching us expected a good and blissful end. We were a mysterious love story, but far, far away from normality. Remember the fun we had together?
We were a piece of a relaxing music, we were the fanciful state of drunkeness. We had so much to believe in together, and we did. We believed in the porch we talked about, the one on which we planed to sit, in so many years, drinking a lemonade and never giving up on the hope our whole story was based on.
But not only hope. We were strong, we were invincible. Dreamy, cloudy thoughts, artistic and intellectual minds. But damaged in some way.
Oh darling I remember your smiles at sunrise, I remember our first kisses in the morning, how your pupils retracted when a ray slipped through the window right to your blue eyes. Those eyes, I figured these, like, yellow-brown paint stains in each of them. I can recall some messy strands of hair hiding parts of your face. You were serene, I could see it, you know.
You were my Crazy Diamond, I was your Mad Demoiselle. And you were my favorite thoughts in the nights, you were my awake dreams. You were my favorite place to be, a maxim that thought of marvelous words.
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And, hiding under that tree we found together, we fell in love with a feeling I had never experienced before. But how I wondered if it were ever possible to be able to appreciate that movie we were, any longer. My throat enclosed my breath ; our love, I felt it toxic to me.
Because, I was in love when my tears were ascending until my eyes. I was in love when I was getting close to mental breakdown. I was in love when you were telling me you were in pain because I never let you know what was going on in my head, when I started to tear in pieces my mental health ; and I did not know if it was you who brought this pain in myself, in my entire body. I was feeling empty but safe next to you. I was fine but my soul was collapsing. I slowly was imploding. But you were where I wanted to be. And I caused you so much pain, we suffered both on our side. Until you exploded.
I remember screams in your bathroom from the corridor. I remember trying to open the door that you locked from the inside. I remember the look of your mother, that anxiety and sort of pain in her eyes as she heard you shouting. I remember my heart beating so loud and thinking she would have heard it pounding if she had listened. But only screams, shouts.
You were punching everything in that bloody bathroom in which we used to brush our teeth together, taking showers in the evening and laughing while trying to spray cold water on each other. And those lips, on which once was painted a gleeful smile, quatered in pain.
You cracked the door. And then, it got quiet. Your mother kept saying she'd call the cops. I kept asking you what I could do to stop all this, obviously it was my fault. And eventually, you said something. Just those three words. "Cure your mind." So this is what you wanted. You were thinking I was insane. You wanted me to cure myself.
You've been that sort of relationship. That insane, lonely kind of love story. What once was pure ataraxie, ended being madness, addiction, sickness.
But still today, after ten months, I'm still onto you. Oh you played games with my feelings, but, darling, you don't realize who I thought we could be one day. And it's tearing me apart.
This is for this guy, who meant the universe to me. My worst nightmare, my best ecstasy. This guy, who called me the Moon and I called him the Ocean. Attracted with such a force, but never truly reaching each other except at moonrise ; when there is no horizon left to tear the ocean from the sky.
But it feels like there's been decades since the sun didn't set and the horizon died for us. Because you would not desire me anymore. And still after everything you've done to me until today, I still think you're the one I could have ended my days with.
Fuck it, we knew each other so well. How could you have chosen this path that got so far from me...