Relapse: 10-20-18

You ever think that you're doing good in your life and that nothing bad will happen? Like all the pain and suffering you were going through just disappeared? You left the poison that was in your life. For me, that poison was the abusive ex boyfriend I had for three years. The cocaine I had been on for 5 months. Every night. Hungry. Starved. I felt shitty during the come down. You'd think I'd stop, but that wasn't the end of it. I wasn't living with my mom at the time. We weren't on good terms. I lost my job at Macy's. I was with the company for two years.  I wasn't in school. I wanted to go back at the time. How could I have though when my mind was all fucked up? I was close to getting my drivers license. All I cared about at that moment was the drugs. I stopped caring. I didn't want help. I loved the feeling what I called "candy" brought to me. I stopped loving my ex a long time ago. If I hated him that much then you may think why I stayed. Towards the end of our relationship we became broken to each other. I stayed with him because of the drugs he brought to me every night. I loved him more than anything at some point during the time I was with him. I was scared honestly. I really believed he was the only one I ever needed in my life.

The very first day I ever tried snorting was I believe December 8, 2017. I was on a good one. That same night, I told my bf at the time to go pick up some more. So he did. A month passed by and I was at the ER sent by my work. I was ashamed. Three days later I was released. A few days later I'm back at it again. I didn't think I was an addict. Definitely not. The people around me felt something was up. After the trip to the ER, I told my mom and my grandma. The doctors found meth in my body. I had to tell them because if I were to keep doing drugs, and if I were to have collapsed. I didn't want them to wonder why I collapsed. I just didn't care anymore. Three months passed, four months passed, five months... I didn't believe I was an addict still. I was very much in denial. When my family first found out what I had been doing, they weren't mad. They worried. They wanted to help me. Even my mom who I wasn't on good terms with at the time. Around April, a little after I turned 21. My mom buys me $100 worth of nothing but healthy food. She did it to save me because I wasn't eating and got very skinny. During that moment, I started realizing little by little that maybe I did have an addiction with drugs. I didn't want to admit it. Although, my dad is fucked in the head because he was a drug addict before (I don't know about now). I didn't want to be like my dad. I wanted to be saved.

Towards the end of April I got really sick. I made two options for myself. Leave my ex boyfriend at that moment or that was just going to be my new life. I kept saying "This is my last time". Was it ever my last? No. April 26, 2018. I was about to do some lines with a friend and my ex. I became crazy obsessive. If my ex didn't give me any lines, I would flip out. I started doing more lines than my friend and ex would do a night. I started over dosing more and more each night. It didn't occur to me that I would collapse any second. That night was the last night I ever saw my ex and did drugs with my him because he started going crazy on me and my friend. He kicked us out at one in the morning and we walked for 30 minutes to get picked up from my aunt so she wouldn't know where we were at. I was depressed for a while. My mom saw it in me. I was suffering. I started getting really bad withdrawals, confusion, anxiety attacks, shakes and cold sweats after a while of not being on "candy" anymore even till today. Me and my mom started getting along again because I had left him and the drugs.

You hear about people all over the world and celebrities taking their life because they're depressed. Ever since I was 4 years old, I suffered from anxiety and depression. As I got older it wasn't just being depressed. It was much more than that. I found out I had been suffering from borderline personality disorder. I live on a daily basis with this mental illness. The only difference in my life is I want to keep living my life because I have hope and know my life will be the way I want it to be one day. I'm only human, and I'm also like any other normal person living on this earth. I just have to handle my shit in a different way. It took me a while to open up to the fact that this is who I am and that it's okay because I can get help and recover and be sober. I can obviously feel usually a few weeks or few days before when I'm about to have an episode or "breakdown". It took my mom a while to know the symptoms and signs of BPD and how she can handle dealing with me in the right way.

It wasn't until yesterday after class that I had a relapse... I can't really tell you the kind of relapse I went through because when I came home last night at six pm, I wasn't in my right state of my mind. I felt so guilty and ashamed. I couldn't tell anyone what had happened or what I had done... People who are trying to recover and stay sober after so many years have relapses here and there. I'm not perfect but I knew it wasn't right either. This morning I went to class at Southwestern College. Nothing stopped me from showing up to class this morning no matter what had happened last night. Today something popped in my head. I'm an addict and I can't deny that anymore. I just am. After yesterday, I realized that my life is to finish and graduate from college, make my family proud and to start my career of a famous blogger. Everyone around me or that who's close to me believe in me, and I am starting to believe in me too.

It's not easy. It will be hard at times. I might or might not have other relapses. I could've died a while ago but what I realize is that God was on my side through it all. He knew that the life I wanted for myself wasn't to be on drugs or to keep getting abused. I am so thankful.

Thank you to everyone coming to check out my blog page and for supporting me in my dream!!

Recovery & Sobriety: 06-21-18

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