If this refers to the love of a person, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. I have never been in love before. Least, not with a real person!

If it means the love of doings things, I'm afraid I can't tell you a great deal about that either. I can't remember the first things that I fell in love with doing.

I'm going to take this as meaning the first of the two above, and so I'll entertain you with a little about my world when it comes to having feelings for other people.

I personally always hated having crushes. I was at the bottom of the food chain when it came to the social hierachy of high school, and I always managed to get my feelings mixed up with the ones at the top. I don't know, maybe it was their confidence, but they always felt untouchable. This hurt of course, because I had myself convinced that I would never be good enough for them because that's how I was made to feel.

I haven't actually liked/fancied anyone for about two and a half years, and I am almost glad. Whenever I did like someone, I just remember the little voice in my head that would tell me not to bother, to hide my feelings. I would do whatever I could to avoid the guys that I liked because I thought that would make the feelings go away. This didn't usually work.

I don't know whether I am afraid of being in love for the first time. I just don't want to feel rejected, I don't want to go back to feeling the way that I did. I love myself now, and that should reassure me that no one can make me feel like I'm not good enough anymore. Either someone isn't right for me, or I'm not right for them; if it ends, that's how I hope it will be. No degradation, no pettiness. Just honesty.

Sometimes I feel like I expect too much. But there is nothing wrong with having high standards. I know the right person with easily reach them.

This feels like a bit of a downer, but I'm not upset. I have long since put high school behind me, and I don't care that I'm not in love right now. I'm happy.

~ Mariana