I want to hurt myself. It sounds crazy but I do. Because I want people to see, to understand that I'm not okay at all, that it's not only in my head that I'm not crying all that time just because i'm a "spoiled kid" They think I don't eat or I don't sleep, I can't do anything but stare at the celling just because I'm lazy, or I'm overreacting to small things. Maybe for them are small things, but for me this moment represents everything, the fact that I can't write that dissertation paper drives me crazy. Everybody has finished it, I can't even finish the second chapter, I don't have ideas and I need help. I NEED HELP. But nobody cares. Nobody is gonna help me or save me. Nobody cares that I'm driving myself crazy every night because I can't write anything, and they always tell me that it's all my fault, i should have started earlier, I'm gonna fail because I'm lazy and i don't care about my future. And after that when I'm crying they tell me that it's okay, i have time, i'm smart, i can do it! NO! I can't, I'm stupid, I faked being smart, or maybe they want me to be smart and they are disappointed that I'm not. I'm done.
I just want to hurt myself so bad so they could see that what's on the inside of me it matters, I want them to realize I'm hurt, I'm depressed, I'm in a bad place, my mind is killing me and I can't do this anymore, I can't survive it. My only solution right know it's to cut myself, or maybe to sollow some pills, but I have done this before and nobody cared, nobody noticed my arms full of scars, nobody understood my pain. Maybe after my death they will understand.