You made me forget what hating myself felt like, and the beauty of such a simple act spread to warm my distant heart, as I became accustomed to feeling this way you started to piece a space for yourself in my heart, the more I showed the more you pulled away, you started to give up on me, in turn I pushed you away and now there is a hole where you were supposed to be. this is the space I created for you, no one else can fill that void.

Now you are gone and I have built, yet another wall, this time to hide the the space that was left by you, in the hopes that no one will see it. I try to fill it with happy thoughts of us, I keep filling it with light to keep the darkness away but some days I fail and the darkness consumes me. Negatively is never the way i want to see you, but when the darkness approaches and you are not there it is hard not to hate you... this makes me hate myself even more. Do you see the vicious cycle?

I will not ask you to understand it, but as long as you see it and you realize it is there. know that when my eyes glaze over and they forget to focus, when you can brew tea with the bags underneath my eyes, know that I am here and not here, because how am I supposed to be whole without you?