By reading this you’re literally going inside of my mind & my story. I would suggest clicking off if you think the world is doing fine and mental health isn’t valid. Thanks

The following things are real life situations I’ve been through. Everything in this post are facts. I turn 16 in 2,5 weeks

When I was 8 years old people started looking at me differently. I couldn’t figure out why or what was going on so I just went with it because I knew I had my group of friends that would never choose anyone above me. In my final years of primary school I felt scared because I was getting bullied. I still can’t figure why. I felt sadness and not knowing a way out. I didn’t know what depression was.

When I was 12 years old people started looking at me differently. I couldn’t figure out why so I just went with it because I knew I had my group of friends that would never choose anyone above me. I started changing because I thought it was for the better.

When I was 12,5 years old people started looking at me differently. I could figure why at that point. I was struggling with my sexuality and didn’t know what was going on. I started to grow a different group of friends. These friends turned out to be girls and people bullied me and called me a fag. The old group of friends which had nothing but boys in it left me and it was no surprise but made me feel suicidal. I watched YouTube videos on how to deal with thoughts of not knowing a way out of the confusing stuff I went through. My mom, my friends, my family everyone thought I was doing fine. I only had 1 friend out of the old friend group left. 6 left. This fucked me up

When I was 13 years old I knew I was gay. I tried dating my best friend but she knew it was not going to work and I’m glad she said no (would’ve been awkward as fuck) but I still had this big secret that nobody knew. The weird thing is that nearly all people would be ok with me being gay but I just couldn’t say anything. My mental health got worse and worse.

When I was about 13,5 years old one of my best friends talked about bisexuality and I knew this was my chance. I came out as bisexual via WhatsApp which made me feel like a liar and a coward because I was gay and I knew all the time but I thought this was an easy way to say it. I though being bi would be half as bad as gay and I ‘could go back’. That’s bullshit. I know that now. 2 months or so after I came out to my other best friend and honestly she’s a fucking blessing. This situation gave me hope and my mental health got better.

On December 2nd 2016 I came out to my mom. Also as bisexual and I couldn’t ask for a more accepting mom. She told my dad and he was ok with it. Almost all my friends knew I was gay instead of bi by now.

May 2017 might the worst month of my life. I went to Berlin with school and was so fun but when I came home my parents told me they were taking a break. My dad was living somewhere else and started smoking and drinking heavily. I never told my friends about the smoking and drinking part because I knew my dad is a good man. I didn’t go to sleep before 5 am for 1 month straight. I slept 2 hours a day and went to the bathroom during lunch breaks because I had panic attacks and had to cry. The break situation only dured 3 months. My dad decided in 3 months that he wanted to leave his fucking family. I still don’t know why, we were always a happy family.

Because of this situation my mom’s mental health was going down real fast and so was mine. I never wanted to show mine because my mom had so much on her mind and I just didn’t want to worry her.

In January my dad started seeing another woman. She’s 35 and my dad is 51. She has 3 kids. I never cried so hard after hearing this. I couldn’t believe my dad really fucking replaced us for a 35 year old with kids not older than 8 years old. I told him about how I felt about it crying my eyes out and he just looked and me like I was saying something weird. I see my dad 3 hours a week now. 3 fucking hours.

In March I came out publicly. It was such a relieve. I didn’t get 1 negative comment and I’m so grateful.

For about 3 years I’ve been in a group with the people who I consider my 2 best friends. I know they consider me their best friends as well and I know they might be reading this so I’ll hold back a lil lol. We always hung out with each other. We rode our longboards/pennyboards, bought Arizona or iced coffee and sat at a bridge and talked. It made me so happy knowing I had 2 friends who couldn’t even think of the thought of choosing between one of the other but the past 1,5 years they kept on not asking me to join them while they were hanging out. And almost every single fucking time I asked them to hang out they said they didn’t have time or were tired or had to work. I can be an asshole lots of the time and I know that so I thought they weren’t asking me to join them because they didn’t like me for me. I thought I was changing and it was some bs puberty shit but I wasn’t. I was trying to change myself mentally so they would like me again and because of that I felt depressed and I’m honestly still feeling that way. They told me it wasn’t my fault but I just can’t make up why they wouldn’t ask me for a different way. Every time I tried to talk with them about it they wouldn’t give a fuck and I was just being annoying.

It fucks you up knowing that you have 0 friends who would choose you above any of their friends. I’m nobody’s best friend, I’m my own nightmare.

One of those friends told me she recognised it and was going to work on it and that makes me happy but for some reason it has been on my mind a lot lately.

And here I am, graduated and feeling the worst I’ve felt in my life. I think about harming myself (but I don’t) and this is day 6 of not sleeping before 6 am (it’s 6:02 am while writing this).

I want you and myself to know that depression and anxiety are real issues and it’s ok to talk about it. Im scared to tell my mom, it feels like coming out again but knowing it’s gonna be bad. Im scared to my mom I’ve been feeling awful for nearly 8 years now. Half of my life I’ve been feeling like trash. It amazes me how people of my age just take a couple of shots and have a great time forgetting about everything.

Every gender and sexuality is valid.
Mental health is important.
You are important.
Talking to people is important.

All these things are things I want myself to know. I don’t why I wrote this but I feel a little bit better now so that’s good. I’m posting this not to show people how bad my life is because it could be way worse and lots of things are my fault because I know I’m an asshole and a dumbass sometimes.

I’m posting this because you’re not alone. My 2 bestfriends’ mental health is bad as well and I don’t what to do about it. But I can’t help them if I’m not in the right mindset. I feel helpless but I guess that’s teenager life for me.

1 in 10 YOUNG people experienced a period of major depression. That’s insane. We need more mental health awareness.

You’re not alone. Thanks for reading this.