this something raw. genuine. that I hope can be from the passionate depths of my own troubled heart beating so loud I can't hear anything else.
I can only hear the sound of my head rushing with the thoughts of all my unnecessary worries but I can't stop them because they seem to be pulling the reins through my life.
why did I say that? why did I do that? did I just screw up everything I have worked so hard for? did I offend someone or make them resent me?
my worst fear is far greater than any other - to be utterly and completely alone. there are always people for me, I understand. but sometimes it always seems like they have someone better or I'm not worth as much trust as the others are because there is something fundamentally wrong with me, something unlovable.
and this fear haunts me everyday and I try to push myself to work harder, be smarter, get myself oout of this ugly mood and reach my potential. it's just so hard when I am so anxious about everything and yet at the same time i am able to sit in the storm like it's in the eye of a hurricane.
I feel so confident and insecure at the same time. self deprecating jokes that I just laugh off but now it has hit me that I could fail and it could be my downfall and everyday I make silly little errors that maybe no one notices but I do and I feel like they're in the spotlight for everyone to see.
I'm insecure about the way that i feel this compulsion to be early to most things I have to do because if I am not I get anxious and my stomach does cartwheels and I can't help this feeling no matter how many times I tell myself it's okay, you dont need to be here this early. then I argue back to myself and I say that if I were late it would be worse but the sad reality is everyday when I walk into school I am anxious because I dont know if I have enough time to go and see my friends before school.
with my friends, sometimes they make me feel so amazing and sometimes I get that lonely feeling again but it feels a thousand times more sickening because you look at all of those people and you realize that they are supposed to be the ones who tell you everything and they are supposed to be your best friends but you can't help but feel like everyone has a better friend than you, and you wonder who your rock is. family is important, but when you get into trivial arguments over who has to wash the socks or a family member is passive aggressive for a week after a minisucle nuisance occurs then you really dont feel like there is someone to turn to.
and for all of this I feel so guilty. I feel so bad for feeling like my problems are taking over my world because I feel like they should be just small and I should be able to deal with it because so many people have it worse than me and i realize that and I want to respect that so much because above all I just want to make sure I treat others equally and respect them to the fullest extent and try to help them feel understood and like they belong no matter their circumstances.
My fears and anxiety don't define who I am, but they are part of who I am. And therefore I choose to be open about it, because it is nothing to be ashamed of, and anyone who says otherwise does not understand that mental health problems do occur, and it will benefit more people to help those in need than shut them away without a voice for them to fight with.