To the boy I love(d),

It's been 3 years since we started.
Looking back I don't even know if I started liking you because of you or because you were the first boy to show me this kind of attention.

I remember everything, every little detail.
I remember how l loved it when you tickeled and teased me and how excited I got when your held me in your arms for the first time.

After 4 months, in october, we went on this trip with some friends.
Just 10 friends in a wooden hut in the middle of the forest for 3 nights.
That was when we finally kissed.
I never told you that you were me first kiss ever but I think you knew anyway.

Sometimes when I try to fall asleep at night I relive it all over again.
How I tidied up while you went outside to have a cigarette.
I tried to find other things to do. I wanted to waste some time till you got back inside so I could spend a bit more time with you. Just us two.
That's when it happend. We even shared a bed that night. I didn't sleep with you, I never did. We just cuddled and layed in each others arms. You went back to your own bed before the others would wake up.

Time passed and things didn't develop any further. I realized how alcohol had a big impapct on how you treated me.
We would go to a party or just sit outside at night by the lake with our friends and the more alcohol you had the more you'd like me, cuddle me an kiss me. And the next day we were strangers again.

One year later, October 2016.
The same time of the year, the same wooden hut in the forest and the same people.
I sat on your lap, your arms around my waist, my head buried in your neck and your scent in my nose (the scent of cigarettes and beer still makes my heart stop for a split second). I felt so warm and safe that I fell asleep for a while despite the people and the noise around.
I still taste the aniseed liquor you had on your lips when we kissed later that night.

Finally I was brave enough to tell you that it had to stop there.
I couldn't to this kind of 'almost relationship' anymore. I felt like I was only good enough when you were drunk.
I knew about the horrible break up you had with you ex and I understood when you said you just couldn't have a serious relationship for now. You wanted to protect me and yourself.

After this conversation I felt good. Of course I still had you stuck in my head, but I knew it would be better for both of us if we went seperate ways in this romantic aspect but still stay friends.

And it really worked very good. Well at least it did for 1 1/2 years....

- On your birthday in february I started wishing you'd hold me in your arms again.
- 8 weeks ago we kissed again.
- 4 weeks ago we had the 1st deep conversation again, you carried me home, we kissed.
- 2 weeks ago you told me you wanted to go on a real date with me. I had a feeling that you just said that because it was late at night, we were at a birthday party and you had a few drinks.
But you promised that this wasn't the case and I believed you.
Little did I know....
You again carried me home and while saying your good nights I heard you whispering 'maybe one day we can fall asleep in each others arms'.

Last saturday I attended another birthday party.
You were the first person I saw when I arrived. The look on your face told me that something was wrong. Then I was your hands around her waist.....
I immediatly knew what was going on.
You really had a new girlfriend.

I started shaking. It felt like I was about to cry and throw up at the same time.

First I thought about going home but I decided to stay. I was there because of the birthday girl not because of you. And somehow I wanted to show you that I didn't care that you are with someone else now.
I am strong enough to be happy and have fun without you.

Another guy came over pulled me in a long and big hug. I never talked to him about you and me, he just knew.
He told me to sit with him, have a fun night, brought me a drink and tried to make me forget.
He said 'I know I might not be your first choice to talk to about this but if you need someone I'll be here. Everything will be alright.'
Later that night my best friend showed up aswell after I texted her about this situation.
It felt so good having these loving and caring people around. People who I can talk to about all this while having a awesome night.

Someone told me that they had talked to you and told you that this behaviour was disrespectful towards me. I got told that your answer was that you knew that you were an asshole. You said you won't talk to me about it because I would see that you have a girlfriend now.
And that you would have never done anything to put my hopes up....
For me this was something that hurt me badly again because well, sorry but after the past few weeks I thought me might actually have a chance this time.

I hated to see how you two were always kissing each other like your lips were glued together. Somehow all I thought was 'now she gets so experience how his kisses feel aswell'.
I hated seeing you dancing to the slow music, your foreheads against each other.
I hated seeing you whispering and giggleling together.

Right now, almost a week later, I am dealing with it very well.
The thing I think about most is 'Why her?' What do you see in her? Did you realise she won't let you talk because her mouth is never shut? Do you notice she treats you like her dog? Telling you to 'sit, sit, sit or I won't hand you your cigarettes'
And please tell me, how did this all happen so fast? To weeks ago you kissed me telling me you want to fall asleep beside me! Did you hold me while you imagined it was her?!

But maybe that's exaxtly what I needed.
Maybe I needed you to get a girlfriend so that I know that there is no reason to have a little spark of hope left.
And let me tell you something. Somehow all this made you less attractive to me.

Due to our friends and the sports club we both join we will continue to see each other about once a week.
I won't act any different towards you. It wouldn't change anything if I'd start a fight or if I stopped taking to you.
So it's up to you how you treat me and how this tension between us develops.
But please just promise me that whatever happens in the future you won't make a move towards me again. Because right now I say I am on a very good way to be over you but I don't know if I could resist your ocean blue eyes, your soft touch and this scent of cigarettes and beer which, for some strange reasons, smells so good to me.

All the love, the girl that spend 3 years waiting for you but got diappointed anyway