We fill our backpacks with stones with all our stuff inside, arriving to stop at the bridge to throw them in the deepest part of the river, at midmorning. We knew, we were naughty enough for today, but we were not going to leave all the evidence afloat in any case.

We were halfway to our houses, standing on the edge of the bridge, very subject to the bars. There you could see how the hectic city separated from the mountains with valleys full of people with simple and happy lives; I didn't know if I was an exception in that category, although I thought I was, but at that moment I doubted it, as if I was already capable of expressing a smile on my face.

"It's been a great night," I say, looking at the lost and sparkling void of the river.

"It's good that you say so" Axel's voice sounded distant and heavy. The security and peace that I felt in my chest was replaced by fear and discomfort.

"You know what?" I ask after a while in silence. "After all, I just feel that I walk a very loose rope when I'm with you"

I don't know how I took the courage to tell him that without stopping, because we never gave or demonstrated what we feel, instead we remain silent to drown the words that repress time. And we suffer mortally for it. That's why it was explainable that the expression on Axel's face was indecipherable and for a moment I hated him, I hated him because I wanted to understand what was wrong with him.

"The truth is that I never expected you to tell me something like that" he finally affirmed, his words floating in the air. Suddenly, I felt lost and confused.

"Sometimes, I don't know if you realize all the signs ..." I interrupted myself finding myself crying, I could not help feeling ashamed.

"What signals?" he asked me with his eyes fixed on me, which I avoided looking at the dark bottom of the river.

I felt fear again, because I was about to declare myself; and then happiness , because I liked being with him and because of the odds that there might be something more between us after this, it made me hopeful; Finally sad, I liked that feeling because without her I know I'm not well, but that anguish that filled my gut, was again the fear of losing what I so desire.

"I almost always want to forget you," I said after thinking so much of my words. "And that you do the same: forget and do as if nothing ever happened."

"Listen, I ..."

"But is that ..." I interrupted him, showing my glazed eyes. "We both like to fuck everything, in every sense, to every breath we take and every step, but it's as if you regret every moment you've spent with me."

I waited for him to answer something, but he didn't.

"Damn, you confuse me!" I yelled clenching the bars, but he only blinked. "I'd like to be in your mind to know what's going on for her, to know the exact words to say, but what you do only keeps me trapped, and I hate you for that!"

Axel scratched the back of his neck. I knew he didn't know what to do with me, for our mental conditions this was too strong and none of us knew what control to take in this conversation.

"Do you really want to know what's going on in my mind?" he asked me with a bit of concern in his voice. I remained silent waiting for him to continue. "Well, it's very depressing to go through it and I think I can be more confused than you could, I'd like you better focus on what our hearts say, our minds are already too damaged to swallow their poison."

I embraced myself for that reality. I never believed that he thought in such a way, at least he did make the effort to organize his feelings.

"All I want is to stop running," he said after another long moment. "It's as if we were trying to escape who we are and what we really need and want."

Maybe he didn't say it directly, but he loves me and it's hard to prove it. Although that doesn't mean that his behavior doesn't stop confusing me and that loses me. He would always be a mystery that I would like to know. At that time I was less afraid in being the first one of the first step.

"Axel, I love you," I said when I jumped at him to hug him. His insecure arms corresponded to me. I wanted him to feel the same passion I had for him.

"But you hate me," he replied sadly.

"And I know you do the same thing" with this we cling more to each other.

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