Why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt so much to see other people happy - without you?

It’s wrong. I must be a bad person. A good Person is always happy too, when it see the others smiling or laughing. Why it does often feels so strange for me?

I could scream. Could cry. I'd like to shout out loud all of my thoughts. But - nobody, and I mean NOBODY will understand. It feels like replaced in your own home. Debarred. Or pinioned. So they can make sure I will see it. They would say "Oh no, you thoughts are wrong. It isn't the way you say. You don't see it.", - But I do!

YOU are the person who don't noticed it. You would blame me. Blame me for my thoughts, for my fear of being forgotten.

It hurts. It hurts to see they so close to each other. Their hands safe clasped. Like a safer who hold you tight and repeat the words over and over again "You not alone my dear, I will take all you fear". But not necessarily like lovers do. Just to someone who is really important for you. Not to express their deep love, much more a "Don't worry, I'm still here". And then there is me.

Feeling displaced. But never could interrupt them, 'cause I know, I would make them feel uncomfortable too.

Later I try to smile. And I swear I try it! But there is no smile on my lips. And when someone asked? – Jeah, then I'm just tied. Tied of my life. But there is no Solution. I have to deal with it.

Maybe no solution but a reason. Maybe I'm just jealous. Another punch in the stomach - I'm a sinner. - I'm a damn jelly sinner.