trigger warning:
this might make you feel uncomfortable.

half of the things i'm told are evidently wrong.
why should i naively believe the other half that i can't prove?

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i used to believe in the good in everything, i blindly trusted people.
but they didn't care about me as much as i cared about them.
so i was left empty, because i always give more than i get back.

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i can't trust the world anymore.

i always want to sleep,
but at night i can't.
because my mind is too loud
and tells me depressing things.
my thoughts are looping infinitly,
in a downwards spiral.

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i don't think about bad things that i've seen
even though there have been many.

surrounded by girls and women starving themselves,

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surrounded by people who can't be at peace until their mind is switched by chemicals,

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surrounded by fake friends, egoistic using and lies,

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by cruel judgement for doing what one believes is right
as well as judgement for given circumstances,

broken souls trying to make the right decisions.

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my best female friend is selling her body,
300€ an hour.
her secret that she shared with only me.

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another friend who's just my age is having an abortion.
a bit young to kill an almost human being yourself.
she told only her boyfriend and me, and i can't tell anyone.

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many of my friends got in the kind of trouble that doesn't let you sleep at night, because of drugs and all the legal implications that they can bring. the kind of trouble that ruins your future. no good job, no driver's license anymore, but they wouldn't have the money for the car anyway because the trial is so expensive.

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i've experienced rape.
but that's just the faith you had in one single person that gets brutally destroyed.

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what i'm now experiencing is the creeping extinguishment of all the faith i've ever had in anything.
i used to believe in good, not in god but at least in the genuine existence of good.
but now, as i look closer, there is no good in the world.

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oh god, i've been writing so much lately. so much depressing stuff. and my mind is still overflowing with thoughts and memories and fears and sadness.

but most of all overflowing with emptiness.