Hello guys!

Today I have something different for you. I've been thinking about writing this article for a long time but I was scared to post it. I still am. But hopefully there will be people who will like it and maybe I can help someone, who knows.

This time I'm going to be talking about my weight loss journey. I've been struggling with losing weight for a long time, and it wasn't always a bed of roses I must say. I still have a long way in front of me, but I learned from my mistakes and hopefully one day I can achieve my dream.

This article may be a bit long, but I felt like it's needed to take it step by step.

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So… it all started when I was at primary school. I was bullied, I didn’t have much friends and I was verbally abused every day, so I spent a lot of time at home. I usually played video games or spoke to people online, because it was easier for me to talk to them when they didn’t see me. But the fact that I only sat by the computer affected me. And it affected my body.

When I was 13, I started taking art lessons because I loved drawing. But I had to stop taking dance lessons. And this, plus sitting all days at home and doing nothing made me gain a lot of weight. I didn’t take much care about myself, I didn’t care about what I eat, I didn’t care about what I wear, I didn’t even brush my teeth or shower every day. And I noticed what is happening with me too late.

We tried to ‘get in shape’ with my sister in 2014, but we failed every time we tried to eat healthy or exercise. I still didn’t care that much about my body, but it changed after my sister broke up with her boyfriend. She was depressed and lost 7 kgs (15 lbs) in 2 weeks, because she barely ate. I was jealous, but it still wasn’t my breaking point.

That was few months later, when I celebrated New Years Eve with my friends. We stayed at one of my friend’s house, it was actually the first time I got drunk. But the point is that there were 3 boys with us, and I really liked on of them. But of course he rather cared about my slim and beautiful friends instead of me. So I decided to do something with myself.

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In 2015, I was actually in the first year of high school. People there were so different than people in primary school, they didn’t know my past so they talked a lot with me and I started making some friends. And that also affected me.

So in 2015, I started exercising. And I started eating more healthy. I tried it for half year, but almost nothing happened, I even gained more weight. I was 68 kgs (149 lbs) in my 15 years, and I was so angry and sad, that I pushed myself over the edge: One day, I think it was in June, I decided to burn all the calories which I ate during the day. I used my math skills and I figured out that I have to do two workouts to burn it. So I tried to do them. But in a half of the second one my body just went out of energy and I fell on the floor, sweating and crying. Since that, I quit working out. I felt like it was just a waste of time.

Later that year, I was at my cousin’s for a half of summer and we were hanging out a lot, and I met so many new people. We drinked a lot, we were hanging out by a lake, we were sleeping under the stars, everything was pretty cool. But the problem was that all our friends were boys. And I obviously wanted to impress them. And guess what: they were more charmed by my beautiful, slim cousin. I felt so depressed. I felt like my body is the only problem. So I started dieting again. I started exercising again. But it wasn’t helpful much.

And that was the time (September 2015) when I recalled that my sister lost weight because she didn’t eat. So… I wanted to do the same. But my body didn’t like it. The more I tried to not eat, the more I actually ate. And I was like: ‘Why should I stop eating when I like it? I just need to make sure it won’t stay in me.’

And that was the time when I first threw up my dinner.

Bulimia. How stupid I was. There were days when I ate everything I saw, and there were days when I ate only one apple. My thoughts were only about losing weight. I was hanging out with my new friends a lot, we drinked, we partied, I even started smoking weed. I was stuck in an awful carousel of eating, not eating, vomiting, partying, crying and exercising. I hate every time I had to take that food out of me. I cried after every workout, because it was so hard for me. But apparently, it had some positive results. I was at my lowest 56 kgs (123 lbs). But that was the only good thing about it. My mind was fucked up. Everytime I laughed, it was only a fake smile. Everytime I said ‘I’m okay’, it was a lie. Everytime I ate something, all I cared about was how to get it out of me and how many workouts is it gonna take me to burn it off.

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In November 2015, I experienced my breaking point. My bottom. I wanted to throw up, again, but I just couldn’t. The food didn’t want out of me. I hated myself for putting those fingers into my mouth. I hated myself for being such a weak person. I hated myself for not being able to reach my goals in a healthy way. And in this time, I also broke up with my boyfriend. It was probably the worst week of my life.

But then, things started to look better. Boy, who I used to hate, helped me to get out of my misery. This boy convinced me that I am beautiful the way I am. This boy taught me to love myself and to be confident about my body. (And I am still with him.♥)

So I got a bit better. I started going to a part-time job, I started being more happy, I started not taking care about what the hell I eat, I spent almost every weekend with my true friends (the big party didn’t last anyway) and I was finally having a real smile on my face.

Unfotunately, there was still a block in my mind.

2016 started really well, but even when everyone told me that I look good, that I don’t need to lose weight, I wanted to be slim. So I started looking for some diets. I even tried some detox ones. I tried so many of them. But none of them helped me. It was more because of me, because wasn’t even able to make it through the first week. I tried so hard, so so so hard, but the more I tried, the more I messed it up. It was like I ate healthy for a half day, and then I was like ‘Ugh, I really want to eat some chocolate’, so I went to a shop and bought a bar of chocolate.

I cried so many times during that year. I watched so many videos, I saw so many pictures, I wanted to look good and fit and beautiful, but nothing damn worked. I was at 61 kgs (134 lbs) again, and I felt desperate. I felt bad after every meal I ate. I felt angry after every workout I didn’t make. But mostly I was exhausted.

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2017 came, and my goal was still the same. To be slim. I literally didn’t want anything else. I felt like being slim would solve all my problems. I felt bad, because all my slim friends were popular and I wasn’t. I felt like everyone talked with me only to be nice. I felt so unhappy. But I still continued in eating whatever I wanted, I ate a lot of junk food, because I started going to another part-time job and I was really busy. And my body definitely wasn’t happy about it. I gained weight again, and once again, everything I tried to lose it was useless.

But then… I started thinking differently. I started thinking more about life itself. And I asked myself: ‘Why do I torture myself? Why do I want to be slim?’ And I literally changed my goal over night. Suddenly, I didn’t want to be slim. I wanted to be happy.

It actually worked for some period of time. I stopped taking care about what I eat and enjoyed my life more. I started my last year of high school and I still had my part-time job, so I was busy even more. My weight was somehow the same all the time, but then… I quit my job because of school. That was around December. Suddenly, I had more free time and I spent a lot of time at home again. After Christmas, I was at home every evening, watching videos or playing games on my phone. I used to procrastinate so much. The more work I had to do, the less I wanted to do it. School took control over my head and as I was in stress from my final exams, I started eating unhealthy food to calm myself. I ate sweets, salty snakcs, drinked energy drinks, but at least I was somehow happy. However, my body got used to not having a lot of motion and healthy food, and I obviously gained weight again.

But at the beginning of April 2018, I told myself: Stop. Why are you doing this? If you keep eating whatever you want and do nothing, you’ll never be able to reach your goal.

So I've started exercising. I've started eating healthier. And I've started thinking differently again.

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I only got one life, one chance. I won’t be young forever. I can’t delete what happened and start again. If I’m not going to start now, then when? I don’t want to spend the best years of my life being unhappy about how I look. I need to do something with it. I want to look back one day and say: I’m happy I did it. Not only: I wanted to do it. I wish I did.

And this is obviously about everything in life, it’s about every dream you have. Take the chance as you still have it. If you really want something, do it, work for it, or you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Don’t listen to the others if they are telling you how you should live your life: it’s your opportunity. Do whatever the hell you want with it. You are capable of everything, just don’t be scared. Once you realise that you’re the only one having the control, you’ll win.

If you are struggling with losing weight or with some kind of eating disorder, please remember that people will mostly like you for who you are and not for how you look. Be kind, be nice, be grateful, be tolerant. If you’re unhappy about the way you look, stop hating yourself and start doing something to change it. It takes time, yes, but you need to be patient with yourself. It took me four years to get out of the drowning boat. Remember that you are loved and that there is always someone who cares about you and about how you feel. Find someone who you trust and talk to them about your problems, find solution, find a way to get better. Vomiting or not eating is not the key! Your body is the only place where you’ll spend your whole life, take care of it.

It shouldn’t be about losing weight and being slim, it should be about wanting to be healthy and fit. Your body and mind deserve to be healthy! ♥ Change your unhealthy habits slowly into healthy ones. Still eat what you love, just find a better way of it or how to prepare it. If you stop eating, you're only going to be unhappy, more and more every day. If you're feeling down, look for some inspiration online. There are tons of it!

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I would love to write an article will all tips I've learned about losing weight and healthy eating, I just don't know when because school is keeping me very busy :(. I think that there are many people out there who have similar story like me, and I hope they will find a way how to get out of misery as I did.

At the end of the day, life is so beautiful and there are many more important things to care about than if you have a size 6 or 12. If you want to change the way your body looks, do it for yourself and not for someone else, and don't make it a priority in your life. Smile looks even better than a six pack.

See you soon!

Michel ♥