There's always that 'what if'... the 'what if' that stops you from letting go, that stops you from moving on, that stops you from accepting that it's over.. and it's never going to happen. because at the end of the day your heart doesn't want to lose the one person who made it set of fire, the person that made it complete. and really, accepting that it's over means breaking your own heart in order to fix it, which seems almost impossible because how the hell do you bring yourself to break your own god damn heart?
You want to let go, you want to be able to move on, and you tell yourself everyday that it's not worth the pain. Your head knows the logic behind it, 'you've got to let go in order to move on'.
But then there's the heart. The core to your being and the influence inside you that gives 'that feeling'. you know the feeling. it's the feeling that says 'He'll come back' it's the feeling that whispers 'if you hold on long enough, he'll realise what he lost in you', because everyone says "They always comes back" right? .. its the painful feeling that says 'but maybe he still loves you'. But the reality is, you have no idea. and maybe you will never know. It's possible he does still love you, absolutely, but the question is.. what is he doing about it? He's letting you cry yourself to sleep at night because you don't know what went wrong, he lets you blame yourself for not being good enough, he makes you rethink every moment you every spent together trying to figure out where it all went wrong, he left you to read through every conversation you ever had in hopes of finding the answer as to why he left you and why it never made sense.
That fear you had, the one you told him about.. he made it reality and he never looked back. You told him your biggest fear was that one day he would wake up without any warning and change his mind about you, and he made it seem ridiculous, he made you believe that he would never do that to you. but then one day, without any warning, he did exactly that.. he changed his mind and you were left there broken wondering what went wrong.
And I know it hurt and maybe it still does, but that's the thing... he did that to you. He broke you and pretended like it was okay. Maybe he tried to do it the nicest way possible, and maybe he had a really good reason, and maybe he still checks up on you to see how you are. Maybe he still cares, and just maybe he still loves you, but none of that is going to change what he put you through. And that's where the battle between the heart and head lies. Your head has all the logic, like if he really cared or loved you, would he have let you hurt the way you were.. i bet your friends say no when they pick you up off the floor from screaming and crying because you don't want to live without him anymore. Your head knows that this pain has to go and the only way it will is if he goes, completely. Out of sight and out of mind literally. Your head knows the safe, logical and right way of going about things. Your mind is like google maps.. bare with me. When you type in your destination on your phone it comes up with the quickest route possible right? the one without the roadworks, accidents and traffic. Because that's the quickest and safest way to get there. Your mind is doing the exact same thing, it's telling you the quickest way to reach your destination of happiness without any complications.
But then there's your heart, and it seems to have a mind of its own. Your heart is 'the other route' to your destination. It involves the complications, the risks, the pain and the long journey. But the thing about that journey, is you see a lot along the way. With pain comes life lessons, with complications comes realisations and with risks.. comes success.
That's the thing about your heart, it will believe whatever it wants in order for it to feel complete, it doesn't change for anyone and it certainly doesn't change because of your minds 'logic'. Your heart is the hope that makes you hold on.. simply because you love him, and love is the only thing it wants.
But through all the pain and hope, there's things you need to remember. And the first and most important things being, love yourself. completely. You are the only person who's going to be their for yourself throughout your whole life. Trust yourself, believe in yourself and never forget how amazing you are, because there is no one else in the world like you. I know he still feels like your world but how foolish is it to believe that he's the only person that you are capable of loving, or that he's the only person who can make you happy. I know he made you feel something you'd never felt before, he made you love like no one else ever has, and for maybe the first time in your life you felt complete and you had never felt anywhere close to as much happiness as you did when he held you in his arms.. trust me I know. But at the end of the day, before him, you were doing just fine. You had fun, you smiled, you laughed, you got out of bed and you made lifelong memories that will never fail to make you smile. So don't believe for second that you need him. You don't. You do not need anyone else in this world but you. Now is a good time to realise that the only person you can depend on for your own happiness, is yourself.
I'm not saying you need to stop loving him, and I'm not saying you should stop fighting for him either, that depends on the situation (which you are more than welcome to directly message me about because I would love to give you advice), but what I am saying is I know it's hard, the battle between your head and your heart is impossible to figure out, but what you need to remember no matter what, is put yourself first. and if you have trouble doing that then pick up a photo of your 10 year old self and tell her everything he's done to you. Tell her the pain he's caused you and the confusion he's left you with that's led you to breaking point. Then remind yourself that that's you, and in however many years time from the moment that photo was taken, you're going to experience that. So what would you tell her to do?
That boy is not your world. You are your world. and for a long time he's going to be on your mind, and it's going to hurt. Some days will be easier than others. Some days you'll break down and you won't be able to pick yourself up for a couple of minutes, and then other days you wont shed a tear, he'll still be the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep, but it won't be as painful as the day before. You need to remember the whole way through this battle of yours, that there's so many things in your life that are good. Despite all the bad, there's a hell of a lot of good things. and while you're in this pain i want you to hold onto and do everything you love. Draw, sing, swim, ride, or write like I do.. that's my relief. Just do whatever makes you happy. Sometimes the pain you're going through will make it more special, I know for a fact my writing has never been as pure as it is since my heartbreak. I often shed tears when I write certain parts of my articles, but by the end of it i feel a sense of relief because i let it all out.
You are so strong and I'm so proud of you for getting through the pain you're feeling. I promise it will get better and I promise you will feel that happiness again. Just believe in yourself more than you believe in him.

"When you are broken and he has left you, do not question whether you were enough.The problem was you were so enough he was not able to carry it"

Please message me if you want any advice or you simply want to vent. I would love to help. Also if you have any requests on what you would like me to write about please let me know! It would be greatly appreciated.
I hope you enjoyed this.

Much Love
-A xx