11/5/16 2:28 am

It has almost been 4 months since we had that fight. That was not the last fight we had, and I hope it wont be the last fight that we ever have. But it was the last fight that mattered. The day everything changed. Maybe it was bound to happen anyways, but I had hoped later rather than sooner. I will never forgive myself for what happened that day, I don't know where, or when it went wrong. It was just a simple accident that will now haunt me for the rest of my life. I never wanted to hurt you, and I know that I will never be able to take back my words, but I wish I could. If I could go back I would give you everything you have given me. You have shown me love unlike none other. I hold on to what we have in hopes that one day we will be whole again.

Still propped up in the mirror of my dresser is the first valentines day card you gave me that begins off with “We are so good together”. I distinctly remember wanting to buy that exact card for you, but I was so unsure of how you react to such an emotional card. Its funny the way things workout; because yes, we were perfect for each other. Or at least you were perfect for me. Looking back I can see so many things that I should have just let go of, or things that I shouldn't have been so hot headed about. If I could have seen these things before then maybe we wouldn't have been in this situation.

Mistakes were made on both parts, and maybe if we tried a bit harder we wouldn't have become so fragile and cracked, leading us to eventually shatter entirely. Both as a whole and as individuals. There is so many things left to wonder, so many ‘what if’s ‘but’s and ‘maybes’ but what has happened, has already happened.

I will forever be grateful for the two years we spent together, but it will never be enough time. Its seems as if we had been together for such a long time, but it is barley anything in comparison to the forever that I want to spend with you. For the first time in my life I had given my whole heart and soul to someone, and now you have a piece of me that I will never get back.

The bags under my eyes and the weight on my heart grows each day that I wait for you. I cannot move on because I know that deep down, you love me just as much as I love you. I know you still care and miss me, and although you have given me a thousand reasons to let you go, Im holding on to that one small reason to stay. You've told me over and over again not to get my hopes up, but hope is the only thing I have. So I guess that means I’ve been living off of false hope. Even if just the smallest sliver of you wants to be with me, know that every inch of my being still wants only you. Loving you was effortless, together we we’re like the eye of a storm. Holding each other up while everything was crashing around us. But now loving you is draining me, it has taken the life out of me, and I am now left in the wreckage of the storm.

I know that you are not mine anymore, and some days I can handle that better than others. Somedays you only cross my mind when I am all alone, but other days even in the comfort of my friends and family I can’t seem to distract myself form heart ache. Most nights when I can finally sleep, you wander into my dreams. I wakeup in hopes to see you beside me, only to realize that I am living my own worst nightmare. I wonder if sometimes you ever wakeup in the middle of the night and need me too. Or if you're ever scared of death, do you still want to run to me? Am I still the one that you want to share your darkness with, or have you found a new security blanket.

I know that I lost you on the very first day, but I seem to continuously lose you over and over again. When I am driving home, back to Cambridge the place that I no longer call my home. One of the songs we used to sing together will come on the radio, I think about singing with you and how much I miss your voice. I even miss singing in front of you, although I am terribly shy and cannot sing to save my life, you made me forget that. I swear, In the back seat of my grandmas car, we were June Carter and Johnny Cash.

I know that I cannot keep running back to you, but the saddest part about all of this is honesty losing my bestfriend. You are my person, the one I want tell everything to, and the one I want to spend everyday with. I want to do new things with you, and travel to new places with you but I could also be content with just living the same routine, in the same place, for the rest of our lives.

I hope when you think of me you remember the good and the bad, but mostly the good. One day I want you to use our relationship and put it into something new. When you find someone else, if you treat her like you treated me I know she will be the luckiest girl in the world and I only hope she loves you as much as I do. I also want you to stand up for yourself. If you are ever with another girl who controls you the way I did, please walk away from her. Know your worth, and know that you do not deserve that. You are the most loyal guy I have ever met, and if she can’t see that a then please save yourself from all this and leave. When you think of me I hope that one day it no longer hurts, but it puts a smile on your face just knowing that at one point in our lives we were real, and we were one. I hope you always remember me as your first epic love, and also your first real heart break. You can count on it that you are mine. More importantly then all of that I hope you remember our friendship.

I want to thank you for the past two years together. Although I may have lost myself a bit along the way and I wasn't always fair to you, you were always being my number one supporter and always giving me your all. These past two years have been the best years of my life. I don’t physically have the words to describe how much you, and our time spent together means to me. You will always have a place in my heart to call home. Never in my life have I experienced this kind of love with another person. This is honestly a horrible thing to say because of my family, you were and still are the greatest love of my life. You were the one Cole. Now contrary to belief, you can have more than one “the one” in your lifetime. If you would have let it happen, you could have been the one, the only one.

The saying “If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be” although mainstream, its true. This quote can be interpret it as a description of fate. Only fate can determine whether a relationship was meant to last. So if you let someone go, they will come back if it is meant to be. With that being said, I can only hope that one day the universe leads you back to me. If you are mine, you will come back to me.

Tori