Last night I got drunk without drinking.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t drink. No specific reason, I’m of age, 21 almost 22, but it just never really appealed to me. Sure there have been some events that have happened in my life to make think I wouldn’t be into drinking, but nothing dramatic. But, regardless the idea of having fun by just letting loose and losing control of yourself- getting drunk, never sounded like having fun to me. And then to not even remember all of it, or possibly pass out? Nope, not for me. But I know that’s not the typical mind set for a 21, 22 year old. Lots of my friends drink, most of them actually. Once in a while if we go out and we’re at a bar, I’ll have a drink, if that. The most I’ve had to drink in one night is 2 drinks and a couple shots (4). You’d think, because of my height, a staggering 5’2” I’d be a light weight, but I felt nothing. Even though my friends, who have inches over me, and more experience drinking, we’re gone by their second shot. Which has led me to believe a lot of it is mind over matter. If someone goes out, wanting to drink, wanting to get drunk, to just not care for a little while, they’re going to start to act drunk on drink 1, until they’re actually drunk. However, if you’re someone like me, and you want to go out, but not loose control, you’re going to be more alert and on guard of how you feel. Obviously, the amount of alcohol you drink and the time you take to drink it affect the situation, along with a 100 other factors. So it could be mind over matter, or it could just be that my tolerance level is higher than to be expected. I never got around to testing my theory. Not even last night, but last night, I got drunk without drinking. My emotions were extreme, I began crying for no reason, and kept crying over 1000. It was 3 in the morning and I felt so sick to my stomach, I was struggling to not throw up. My boyfriend was kept up, babysitting me, rubbing my back. Every time I tried to tell him what was wrong I felt like I couldn’t talk. And when I did, my speech was slurred and choppy. What he was able to make out didn’t make sense, or didn’t have any relevance to what was currently happening. This lasted for a couple hours at most, before I passed out. I slept in, and when I woke up I still felt like I hadn’t gotten any sleep. My mind was foggy and I remembered parts of what happened, but not everything I said, and not the whole night. My head was heavy and I still felt sick, but it was a new kind of sick. Sickness filled with guilt and regret. Guilty I kept my boyfriend up, who was still passed out next to me. And regretful that I let myself get like that again. Not only did I get drunk last night, but I am afraid I am becoming an alcoholic, expect my alcohol is not a drink. Last night I was drunk, and this morning I woke up hungover, but I did not drink. I had an anxiety attack, and much like an alcoholic, I don’t know how to stay sober.

Well guys you made it made it through another one of my 3am thoughts, it's currently 11pm as I'm finishing writing this, so the night is still young, but this is based off of last Saturday, so yes this did happen, and I originally wrote it down in a notebook and just got around to typing it out.

-For clarification this is how I see me having an anxiety attack being comparable to someone who is drunk. It’s hard for me to explain how having anxiety attacks feel for me when I’m not having one, and when I am having one it’s hard for me to say anything, this is something that I think might help people who don’t have anxiety attacks have an understanding/idea of how it feels. It’s different every time for everyone, this is just my personal thoughts-

Thanks for reading♡
-✘O Court

It happened, it sucks.
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