Every time I see a group of kids have fun together, socializing for the lack of a better word, I feel very strange. The feeling can be described as longing or loneliness.

Yes,

I feel lonely. Let’s just go straight to the point here.

I lack social skills and communication—the act of actually speaking—it is hard for me. Challenging even.

When I see people have fun, enjoy their life, the moment—especially the moment,

I ask my self-
Why can I not be like that?

This overwhelming feeling deep inside my chest makes me realize that I am not them.

That I cannot have fun like them.
To be the girl everyone sees as a friend.

I want to go out. I want to meet people—hell even enjoy their company!
But I just cannot.

I cannot believe the idea of me, the socially awkward girl, actually socializing, having fun. Going out after school to the movie theater –overall enjoying life as a whole.

So, when I see kids my age experiencing the things that I long for do so easily—almost effortless.

Envy settles in my chest. My cynical part of me suddenly makes itself known and soon I’m lamenting bitterly how they have it easily, giving them—discreetly of course—angry stares. Probably even thinking that they might have other intentions when it comes to making friends. Self-interest.

I must admit I am at fault here but unfortunately, I am just like that.

So here I sit, on my desk with my laptop open, frowning at the screen, typing away like any other normal day,
Thinking, longing—desiring even, and asking myself,
Why can I not be like that?
And unfortunately,
the cycle continues…