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Four months ago, I stared into 2018 with my face pressed against a plexiglass window. It wasn't very clear what I was looking at; it was hard to see past the vibrant red fog. The glass was warm and it vibrated under my touch. It confused me and excited me and all I wanted to do was jump right in. I was going to be where I had never gone before; I would dance in the chaos and excitement. I would embrace the new energy.

The moment I took my first few steps, I became a new creature. Saw new images. Tried new things. The deeper I went, the faster I walked, until I broke into a sprint into the unknown. I was never going back.

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In the red, I met people. I laughed with them. Danced with them. Rolled my eyes at them. But at moments they all had disappeared, and I was left in silence. There was red fog all around me, so thick that I couldn't see through it. I wouldn't know what or who I would bump into until I actually bumped into them. Those were times where I told myself that I should go back. Play it safe and be good. That was when I felt someone tap on my shoulder.

Her eyes were kind and dark. Tentative but gleaming very, very dangerously. Her pillowy lips stretched into a smile, punctuated by a dimple in her right cheek. Skin like night and a heart like day. She was radiating, but she was so close to me. Too close to me. No one had ever looked at me like that, before. Like I had hung up the moon with my bare hands. And me? Well, I dissolved into a bundle of erratic energy.

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The longer we were together, the more we talked, the closer we became. I was terrified of the feeling in my chest. The feeling of fireworks going off and setting my body on fire. I felt like I had vast galaxies swirling around in me; I saw stars and felt planets orbit around my heart as if it was the sun, itself. I became jittery and giddy, something I hadn't been in a very long time, especially after recovering from the past winter.

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Dimples is forward. And sweet. And devious. And thoughtful... even when she doesn't want to be. She makes me feel something I've never felt, before. I'm completely exposed in front of her. Inexperienced and cautious and completely shaken. But she's caring and patient and looks at me with steady eyes. She smiles again and I'm reassured.

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The "L" word lingered on my tongue and almost left hers, twice. My brain reeled at the very fact. That can't be right, My reason screamed at me. Stop being an irrational creature! Think! But I couldn't. Not when she called me baby girl and smiled at me. Or when she would drop everything to run to me when she sensed even the smallest amount of distress. Not when my usual five-hour sleep turned into two hours all because neither one of us knew when enough is enough. Things were new and exhilarating but I knew that if I didn't do something, we would crash and burn.

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So here I am, wandering alone again. Or maybe, I'm not completely alone this time. But the feeling is different this time around. This time I feel fear, and anguish. We're on a break so we can both have time to think as autonomous beings. But what does that mean, when so far I've been engulfed in anxiety because of her? Is falling for me going to be enough for her the next time she sees her ex? Or am I just a distraction for her heart? I know I should be reassured. That despite the red-hot Aries energy she possesses, she has enough sense to handle my heart with care. That if she were to decide to let go, she would gently place it down instead of hurling it into the beyond.

She thinks I don't have feelings for her anymore. Thinks she doesn't deserve the feelings I have for her. But she couldn't be any wronger. I wanted the break because I have feelings for her. Because my brain needed to sit my heart down and prepare it for cases of emergency. It needed to talk sense into it. To wrap it in layers of bubble wrap because no matter how much it tries to reason with it, my heart is already prepared to leap into Dimple's hands, even if it already knew she may very well destroy it.

Is it healthy? To feel so much for one girl?

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I hadn't noticed it, earlier. The way the red around us suited Dimples just fine. When I get closer to her, I noticed she seemed to be the source of it all, the mist seeping from her body. The energy and excitement I sensed all those months ago... it all came from Dimples. Like she was waiting for me to find her. And I hope that she'll still be waiting when this is all over.

Three days. We can do that, right?

I'll see you soon, Dimples. 🌹

(Update: It's been two days and I cracked.)