I've never been a sad person; I'm get angry. I think my entire life I've been a very easily angered person, and the more self aware I become, the worse it gets.

There was a very short period in my life where I wasn't so angry anymore. I had just moved out and gotten a job that I really loved, so I was happy. And then a close friend died which made me sad. But, I recovered quickly and it was a very happy summer where I wasn't easily angered. I think a lot of that has to do with the death, and that things which normally triggered anger triggered sadness instead. And I really preferred being sad. But school came, and I was angry all over.

Lately I've wondered why I'm so angry. Back in my earlier days, I pinned it on my lack of control in my surroundings, and the utter frustration. Now I have almost 100% complete control and I'm still so mad. I talked with my best friend last night because he was really angry. He, like me, is a red person, but for different reasons. He sets expectations for himself that just aren't reasonable, and when he can't complete them, it enrages him. I thought about that, and if that's why I'm angry too, but then I realized that I always do fulfill my own expectations. And I always feel really good about them afterwards. While I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with the grand scheme of life, I do always feel satisfied that I've done my best to make the things I want happen.

I watched a video this morning where someone said they used to be so mad because they were so lonely. I am a very lonely person. I don't spend time with many friends, I haven't seriously dated in forever, and I don't enjoy company at my own house. But that's just it: I don't want company. I don't want companionship. I do get energy from spending time with others, but I don't want anyone too close because I don't want to answer to anyone else. I really like being alone, and I think that comes from my exhaustive need for control.

So I guess it is still control. The little things set me off, like my dad loading the dishwasher incorrectly, or a guest misplacing something of mine. I get unreasonably angry. All winter, when my car couldn't make it up our snowy driveway, I'd have a panic attack. Every single day, I'd flare up in anger because I didn't have control. I noticed myself becoming angry in the store I worked in because the organization and tidiness was all wrong. All these little tics from middle school were coming back. Although I was never diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, I sought help back then. Of course, it made sense to be so on edge when I had no control over my life. What I don't understand is why its coming back now. Things are so good, but I am not.

So as much as I can understand where this anger stems from, I still don't really know why I'm mad all the time.

*