It's 8 pm.
I'm sitting in bed, half listening to my playlist, half enjoying the thunderstorm outside the window. Usually I would read a book right now but my room is messy and that makes me crazy.
Also there are some other things that make me crazy.
Since that boy did come into my life, I'm just not the same person. When we fell in love with each other I was already finished fighting against my depression. I was confident and satesfied with myself. I had my life under contol. But when I was with him I did fall back to shy and quite. It was'nt his falt. He was a nice and careing person.
I felt butterflys in my belly and when ever I thought about him I just couldn't stop smiling. Our first kiss felt too good to be true and our first time was the best I could ever imagine. I never had sex before and to be honest, before I have met him I thought I would never be ready for it.
But it really happened.
Our relationship was great and he made me so happy.
But I forgot to focus on myself. Maybe that sounds a bit selfish but selflove is very important. I only quit my depression because I told myself everyday, how important selflove is and that I would'nt need anyone else than me.
But now I only cared about him. I became worse at school because I could'nt think about anything else than him. I became less confident and more shy again. I just forgot myself.
The more I was falling in depression again the more difficult it was to make me happy again for him.
I often thought about breaking up. Not because he was a bad guy or I didn't love him anymore. Just because I wanted to be my own number one again. But I couldn't.
I started being boring to him. I was uncreative and quite all time.
We also began to fight more often.
And I cried every time. First he was caring. He cuddled me and kissed me and told me how much he loved me. But the more often I cried the less he cared. Maybe he thought I was just a sensitive person and crying wouldn't mean anything. But that's not true. I may cry a bit too often but every time I cry, I really mean it.

Since a while we don't even talk to each other. I mean, we still are in relationship, but we stoped texting and calling and we just stopped being together. I'm still trying to stay in contact but he's just fighting against it. But when I ask him about breaking up he's stubborn against it. And when he is talking about it I start crying and dont want it any more.
Actually we both just want the end of this awful relationship, but in a way we both don't wanna lose each other.
He doesn't show any love any more an I tried to, but it doesn't really work.
I'm crying every day and I think my depressions came back. I'm laying in bed since a half week, because of an accident and he doesn't even know anything. He just doesn't care about me any more. It makes me so sad to realise, that it's over now. But I don't regret anything. I'm grateful that I met him and that this happened.