hey cutie, my bae, aka tanner,

i'm writing this super secret letter to you because i am so madly in love. i was inspired by jane the virgin to do this because there's an episode where they write letters to each other that they have for rainy days to remind them how much they love each other. it was just cute lol.

anyways as u know i'm a little sad right now and i just finished eating the soup you bought for me yesterday with our last seven dollars in quarters and it cried into it because i love that you would buy me soup for lunch the next day without me asking. you do a lot of little stuff for me right under my nose that i miss because i'm not paying attention and i hope i can be better for u some day.

so if i'm showing this to you, maybe we're having a hard time or idk whatever could be happening, but i love that you support me and take me to work on the last bit of gas in your car and you buy me art supplies i only use a couple times and i love that you encourage me to teach brynn everything she should know before going to school and i love that you are patient with me, not just short term patience for my moodiness, but long term patience for my indecisiveness and my insecurities. i love that you have moments and memories with brynn that will stick with her forever and shape who she is growing up to be. she loves her daddy and how you race each other up the steps to the front door and how you carry her when she's feeling sleepy even tho she's getting so big.

you are so important to me, you always have been because you're almost always on my mind. you took priority over a lot of things when i met you and started to get to know you. i heard you in the lyrics of the music i was listening to and i saw you in the things that have always been a part of me and you felt so right and fit right into my personality. being with you has always been discovery. i've learned so much about myself and it's crazy to know that you know even more about myself than i could ever. you're on my mind at work, you're on my mind when i'm at home with brynn, you're on my mind when i'm hanging out with friends. i can't go thirty seconds without being reminded of you.

we're going on a date to go see the latest superhero movie and we're going to go to the bar for the first time by ourselves (potentially) and i'm stoked. i've been feeling so deflated about myself and about how i live and what i choose to do day to day. i watch vlogs on youtube of people who can drive and clean their house every day and feed their kids avocados and i wish i could be more like them. but brynn won't eat avocados and i'm lazy and driving is scary. i love that you do all the hard stuff. you drive all over the city and you answer the door for food deliveries and you ask questions when you're not sure about something and you help me to want to talk when i feel shut down.

i want to be lots of things at once but i can barely handle one. i want to draw and take photos and dance and drink and be smart and be a teacher to brynn and drive and have lots of people who love me around me at all times and to read lots of books. but i wake up and i do the same seven things and i take long naps in the middle of the day and let the house get messier. but you come home and lie in our bed with me and hug me and pause your game to look at me and ask me about my day even tho it went the same as every other day. and you tell me about your work even tho i barely understand what you do, you know i'll listen because you taught me to. you let me do one thing at a time. i joked last week about not wanting to clean the house just as we were about to start, and you immediately supported that and came up with a plan b to relax and get the cleaning done somehow anyway.

i'm married to you. we're as close to a fusion as we can get. we have a dominion together and food we like to cook and eat together and shows we watch together and hobbies we support each other to do. and we have a human together. she's half you and half me, but she's all her own, her own words and actions. i'm so proud of her. in september this year, we will have had her in our lives for half of our entire relationship. and i was of course nine months pregnant with her before she was born, so she's literally more than half of who we are today.

you're a real ride or die husband. literally. we have a pact. and i love that and i love you

-sarah